Most Hated Songs #9: "Cherry Pie" by Warrant

I can feel the rage rising up in my chest like a bile-filled belch as I continue through the cesspool that is Rock and Roll Hell with my #9 pick for most-hated song, "Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Another of the generic, pretty-boy hair-metal bands that spread like chlamydia in the late eighties and early nineties, this was one of the very worst of the bunch, and this song is testament to their wretchedness.

This song is about having sex. Many great songs are about the thrill of passion, the joy of lovemaking, the sensuality of physical intimacy...this is definitely (or maybe this time I actually do mean "defiantly") not one of those songs. This song is the musical equivalent of sexual harassment. It's as subtle as a dick pic and as sexy as a fart in the shower.

The lyrics read like they were written by a junior high boy who has just discovered his dad's Playboy collection. (Yeah, I know, but this is from 1990 and Internet porn wasn't a thing yet...just go along with it.) The whole thing is, quite literally, shouted at the listener by this ridiculous excuse for a band (three chords doesn't make you a musician, dude. Chimps can play at least five chords for a banana).

If that wasn't bad enough, the video and the 45 single cover (that was a thing) for the song features a buxom young waitress with a slice of cherry pie placed...well, exactly where you think it would be. Of course, this being America, where stupid and sexist is a career booster, this song charted in the Top Ten and allowed Warrant their 15 minutes of allotted fame. There is nothing good about this song. I feel like I need to take a shower after talking about it.

I'd rather...play "Rochambeau" with Robert Smith (and let him go first every time) until the end of time than to ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Six: The band has to spend eternity listening to Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Andrea Dworkin, and Naomi Wolf lecturing about the importance of feminism. Also, they're bound and gagged so they can't say anything or try to leave.

Listen instead to: "When It's Love" by Van Halen, a song that proves that you can rock out and still be a romantic at heart...and when it's all said and done, isn't love the most important thing of all?