Most Hated Songs #5: "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys

Now that we've reached the pinnacle of hatred, we cross the line into the final category, Kill Me Right Now, in which given the option between a) listening to any of these songs or b) the sweet, cold hand of death, I'm shuffling off this mortal coil. Our first guide into the darkest recesses of musical torture is my #5 most-hated song, "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys.

This ridiculous, idiotic bit of musical atrocity is a dark stain on the otherwise stellar career of a legendary group. It's so bad, they should get an asterisk on their display at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for it. It's Willie Mays playing for the New York Mets bad. It's Joe Namath with the L.A. Rams awful. It's humiliating, embarrassing, and inexcusable.

This wretched rubbish is featured on the soundtrack of an equally atrocious movie, "Cocktail," in which Tom Cruise mixes drinks like a douchebag and cheats on Elizabeth Shue for no good reason. It's one of the worst movies ever as well as in my top five most hated movies, so I guess we could call this a synergy of hate.

This song has no redeeming qualities. Well, that's not entirely true...Wikipedia reveals three: 1) Brian Wilson had nothing to do with this song; 2) It lost at the Grammys to "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins, another awful song; 3) It lost at the Golden Globes to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon, which is also a giant stinkeroo for an otherwise remarkable artist. "Kokomo" has the power to actually drain hope away from a human life. Of course, eighties radio plays it on maximum rotation, because the universe is cruel and remorseless.

I'd rather: be forced to watch Tom Cruise's worst movie ever, "Vanilla Sky," on a permanent, endless loop than ever listen to "Kokomo" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Eight: staked to a beach in the Caribbean under the summer sun with no sunscreen or water, forever. Oh, and sand lice...lots and lots of sand lice.

Listen instead to: this cover of the Beach Boys classic "Don't Worry, Baby" with instruments and backing vocals by my friend Jerry Foster and lead vocals by his talented daughter, Jessica. (music only; no video)