Most Quotable Movies #1: The Princess Bride

I watched this movie a couple of weeks ago with my wife, Amy, and I realized that The Princess Bride should have been included somewhere in my top 25 favorite movies of all time. This is one of the most wonderful movies ever made, with performances that are funny and touching, villainous and heroic, absurd and relatable. It is a fairy tale for both people who think that fairy tales are silly diversions as well as people who would prefer to live in a fairy tale world.

There isn't a moment of this film that is wasted time or space, and director Rob Reiner is at the pinnacle of his skills throughout. The cast is equally brilliant, each actor somehow stealing each scene they're featured in without overshadowing their castmates. And since we're talking about quotable lines, you can find one in just about every minute of dialogue. Brilliant films require brilliant scripts, and this one is from William Goldman, which he adapted from his original novel.

This is one of those movies that will, in time, join the ranks of timeless classics such as Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, and The Shawshank Redemption, films that are rewatched from generation to generation and cherished like a beloved family heirloom.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die..."

Quotes, quotes, quotes, and more quotes! There is no limit to perfection!

Grandpa: That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia"—but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"!

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

Prince Humperdinck: Surrender.
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in Black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in Black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.

Miracle Max: Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Miracle Max: [sees Fezzik] You ARE the Brute Squad!

The Impressive Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... 

Miracle Max: Have fun stormin' da castle.
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.

Westley: We are men of action, lies do not become us.

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Miracle Max: The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.

Prince Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything.

Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate key.

Grandson: Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandpa: As you wish.

Most Quotable Movies #2 (tie): The Breakfast Club and Real Genius

Today's entries are a two-for-one offering of classic eighties movies, one of which just about everyone has seen (and rightly so), the second, one that a select few of you know about, but deserves just as much acclaim.

First the familiar offering, the seminal high school movie The Breakfast Club. This movie is so well-known it needs no summary or commentary. When I first saw it in the theater, I was blown away by how well the script captured the feeling of being a teen in the eighties. If anyone asked me what it was like to be a teenager back then, I'd just show them this movie. It's so quotable that during my freshman year of college (1986), a friend and I would sit around and recite entire scenes of dialogue. If that's not quotable, I don't know what is.

"Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

Too many lines to quote...here's the wrap-up:

Brian Johnson: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
Andrew Clark: ...and an athlete...
Allison Reynolds: ...and a basket case...
Claire Standish: ...a princess...
John Bender: ...and a criminal...
Brian Johnson: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

***

The lesser-known eighties movie that deserves equal acclaim is Real Genius. Starring Val Kilmer in one of his most appealing roles, the film centers on Mitch, a 15-year-old laser science prodigy who starts college at Pacific Tech under the guidance of Kilmer's Chris Knight. Chris is more interested in pranks and hijinx than he is studying, and he tries to help Mitch acclimate to the pressures of academic and social life in college.

The pair think they're doing research for its own sake, but after a breakthrough on a super-powered laser, they discover their professor (William Atherton (Die Hard, Ghostbusters), who plays assholes better than any other actor of his era) already has nefarious purposes in mind for their invention. Cleverly directed by Martha Coolidge and featuring a host of interesting supporting characters, this is a fun and spirited comedy that is full of memorable lines and unforgettable scenes.

Ten Quotable Lines

Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch: No...
Chris: Why am I the only one who has that dream?

Chris: So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.
Chris: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris: Not right now.
Chris: A girl's gotta have her standards.

Mitch: But if I stay, what should I do?
Chris: You get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.

Chris: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

Chris: Hey Kent... That's your car.
Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.

Chris: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Jordan: I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?

Mitch: Why is that toy on your head?
Chris: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

Jordan: Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?
Mitch: No.
Jordan: Why? Are you ashamed of me?
Mitch: No, them.
Jordan: Oh.

Chris: Jerry, if you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Professor Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris: Neither am I, Jerry.

Most Quotable Movies #3: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Of all the generational tragedies of our modern age, the fact that there are children and young adults running around our nation who have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is simply an abysmal failure of pop culture gatekeepers to properly educate our progeny. Don't confuse them with the dumpster fire that was Tim Burton's remake, featuring Johnny Depp's ridiculous performance. No, I'm talking about the one-and-only classic from 1971 starring Gene Wilder.

Wilder's performance is brilliant all-around. He's clearly insane and observably dangerous to the children and their parents touring his eponymous chocolate factory. His verbal wit is razor sharp, and his complete indifference to the consequences of these children and their atrocious behavior raises the stakes for the film with each and every turn.

This is Amy's (my wife) favorite movie of all-time, and we are lucky enough to be able to see the Broadway musical production of this story in Chicago in a couple of months. To call her "excited" is a gross understatement. We also saw the original movie on the big screen in Springfield a few years ago for our anniversary. Not a day goes by in which we don't quote one line or another from this film to each other. Take my advice kids: Watch this movie!

"She was a bad egg."

Ten (more) Quotable Lines from Willy Wonka:
"Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going."

"The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last."

"We are the music makers... and we are the dreamers of dreams."

"Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?"

"So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you."

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

"If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates."

"No, I won't hold you responsible."

"So shines a good deed in a weary world."

Most Quotable Movies #4: Die Hard

Die Hard is, IMHO, the greatest action movie of all time. It's also a Christmas movie (don't argue about it; it just is) as well as my fourth most quotable movie. I quote this film at least one or two times a day, and it never loses its luster for me. Die Hard not only made an action hero out of Bruce Willis and a movie star out of Alan Rickman, it completely redefined the action movie genre from the time of its release until today. Just about every scene in the movie has a quotable line in it.

This really is a film that deserves to be seen on a huge screen in a theater. I saw it in the big theater at the Esquire in St. Louis in 70mm, and the larger-than-life venue upped the ante on every beat of the film as it unfolded. I would love to see something like a 3D IMAX reissue of the original...I would be there faster than Dick Thornburgh could get the scoop on his competition.

"NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN...HO-HO-HO!"

Ten (more) Quotable Lines

John McClane: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs...

Supervisor: [as McClane tries to call up police] Attention, whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.

John McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Dwayne T. Robinson: This is Deputy Chief of Police, Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge of this situation.

John McClane: Oh, you're in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you *Dwayne*, from up here it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.

John McClane: Welcome to the party, pal!

Ginny: [Karl smashes a table of glasses in fury] God. That man looks *really* pissed.

Holly: He's still alive.

Ginny: What?

Holly: Only John can drive somebody that crazy.

Dwayne T. Robinson: We're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.

Hans Gruber: The circuits that cannot be cut are cut automatically in response to a terrorist incident. You asked for miracles, Theo, I give you the F.B.I.

Theo: [laughing as a LAPD SWAT armored vehicle is hit with a missile] Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!

John McClane: Happy trails, Hans!

Most Quotable Movies #5: Major League

The second of my baseball movies on this list, Major League may well be my favorite baseball movie of all time. I'm not saying it's the best in any regard, but it is so chock-full of great lines that you can use at any baseball game, it is perhaps the most versatile and entertaining of its genre.

On the surface, it's a throwaway comedy with a young, brash Charlie Sheen and speedy rookie Wesley Snipes teamed up with over-the-hill veterans Tom Berenger and Corbin Bernsen in an attempt by the owner to create a Cleveland Indians team so bad that she can break her lease with the city and move the team to Miami. This fictional ploy would be used to perfection in real life years later when PEnos S. Kroenke moved the Rams from St. Louis back to Los Angeles.

Every character shines in their own way here, but the two standouts are Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, a Cuban defector who practices voodoo, and the inimitable Bob Uecker, whose character is called Harry Doyle, but he's really playing himself after a night out drinking with Harry Carey. Doyle's in-game commentary will keep you in stitches until the very end.

Ten Memorable Quotes:
"You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

"One hit,that's all we got, one goddamn hit?"

"Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again."

"I'm pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now. I say 'Fuck you Jobu,' I do it myself."

"Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater."

"You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit."

"Juuuuuuust a bit outside, he tried the corner and missed."

"This guy threw at his own son in a father-son game."

"Haywood swings and crushes this one toward South America. Tomlinson is gonna need a Visa to catch this one, it is out of here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail."

 "Hats for bats, keep bats warm...gracias."