Most Quotable Movies #6: Airplane!

This is another one of those classic comedies that should be required viewing for anyone born later than 1990. A masterful parody of the airline disaster films of the 1970s, Airplane! packs more one-liners, sight gags, absurdities, and just plain insanity than any other film of its kind. The product of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker team, this 1980 release is as hilarious today as it ever was.

Part of the fun of the movie is seeing classic dramatic actors who made their careers in the sixties and seventies spoofing their own serious personas. Actors such as Lloyd Bridges, Peter Graves, Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack, and Barbara Billingsley play their characters straight and serious, but their lines and actions are completely absurd. This juxtaposition of expectation and actuality is mined continuously for comedic gold.

Like Ghostbusters (#9 on my list), the entire screenplay of Airplane! is eminently quotable. Best of all for me, my mother-in-law is named "Shirley," so the running gag throughout the film of, "Surely you can't be serious," followed each time by, "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley" is twice as much fun during family gatherings. Only listing the quotes doesn't do this movie justice...watch it if you've never seen it, and watch it again if you have...it's still as funny as the first time.

Ten Quotable Lines:

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Elaine: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.

Controller: Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.

Older Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Shirley: I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.

McCroskey: [to Mrs. Oveur] Now your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny: Just like Gerald Ford.

Most Quotable Movies #7: Bull Durham

Baseball movies are great for memorable quotes, and this is the first of two on this Top Ten list. I could have also included A League of Their Own or The Sandlot, but they didn't quite make it to The Show for this list. Bull Durham is a terrific movie in its own right, a perfect combination of young brashness meets old wisdom with lots of sex, romance, and humor.

Written and directed by Ron Shelton, who played minor league baseball in his youth, the starring trio of Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins bring the story to life in a way that is memorable and relatable to anyone who has spent their life chasing a dream. We see in this film that while some may achieve that goal, others have to find different dreams along the way.

Ten Quotable Lines:
"Well, I believe in the soul, ...the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

"The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness."

"It's a long season and you gotta trust it. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball."

"You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry? (Larry: Lollygaggers!) Lollygaggers."

"Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."

"Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?"

"Honey, we all deserve to wear white."

"Come on, Rook. Show us that million-dollar arm, 'cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours."

"You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club."

"This... is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. You got it?"

Most Quotable Movies #8: Goodfellas

I know that purists insist that either of the first two Godfather films is the greatest gangster movie of all time, but for my money, that distinction goes to Martin Scorsese's masterpiece of criminality, Goodfellas. Stellar performances from Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, and Joe Pesci make this film eminently rewatchable and infinitely quotable.

The first thirty minutes of this movie comprise the most dynamic opening to any movie I've ever seen. The three-minute continuous tracking shot of Henry and Karen arriving at the Copacabana for a date is by itself a master class in filmmaking. Thanks to a script by Nicholas Pileggi, this movie will keep you quoting the most memorable lines for years to come, especially from this brilliant scene:

Ten Most Quotable Lines:
"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."
"One day some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect."
"Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."
"Whenever we needed money, we'd rob the airport. To us, it was better than Citibank."
"If we wanted something, we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again."
"I’m funny how?  Funny, like, I’m a clown?  I amuse you?"
"Oh, all right..."
"Pay me my money!"
"Thirty-two hundred dollars he gave me. Thirty-two hundred dollars for a lifetime. It wasn't even enough to pay for the coffin."
"I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."

Most Quotable Movies #9: Ghostbusters

I have discovered that there is an entire generation of kids under 20 who have never seen Ghostbusters. This is some sort of global travesty. This is like kids having never seen The Wizard of Oz or Cinderella. We literally cannot have a conversation about American pop culture if you've never seen this movie.

It's simply one of the funniest and most quotable movies of all time. You get to watch a whole cast of comic geniuses (and equally successful dramatic foils) at the absolute top of their game. Okay, I looked it up, kids...Ghostbusters is on Netflix. Just stop reading right now and go watch it, okay. Yeah, it's that movie they're watching in Zombieland just before Columbus shoots the old guy pretending to be a zombie (Lord, give me strength...).

Ten Most Quotable Lines:
"He slimed me."
"We came! We saw! We kicked its ass!"
"I've quit better jobs than this."
"There is no Dana. Only Zuul."
"Yes, it's true...this man has no dick."
"Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria!"
"There's something you don't see every day."
"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say yes!"
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown."
"Boy, the superintendent is going to be pissed."

Most Quotable Movies #10: "The Big Lebowski"

I'm nothing if not one to jump on an appealing bandwagon, so I'm joining in with Bridgett Burk's latest Blog Club list of the Ten Most Quotable Movies. My primary criteria is that each of these movies contains quotes that my closest friends and I use on a regular basis, either in person or in handy meme/GIF form. Bringing our list in at #10 is the Coen Brothers' 1998 classic comedy, The Big Lebowski.

This entire script is quotable, as the story is filled with memorable characters. It's brilliantly written, acted, and directed, and the film has been so influential that it's spawned its own pseudo-religion known as "Dudism." I suppose if you're looking for direction and meaning in your life, you could do a lot worse than Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski.

Ten Favorite Quotes:
"Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man."
"Shut the fuck up, Donny!"
"That rug really tied the room together."
"Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules?!"
"You are entering a world of pain."
"Hey, careful man, there's a beverage here!"
"Sooner or later you are going to have to face the fact that you’re a moron."
"You don't have to be afraid of them. They're nihilists; they don't believe in anything."
"I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening."
"The Dude abides." 

Songs About Love That I Love

Bridgett Burk and Jeff South have already posted their antidote blogs to the 20-day poisoning of our "Songs I Hate" Blog Club project, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon with five songs of my own. The tack I'm taking starts with a story, as I'm a writer and a teacher, and I usually think of my life in terms of the metaphor of storytelling.

In this story, my former wife and I began our first tenuous steps toward reconciliation (and later, reunion) without intention or expectation. We were already parents of six kids together, so we knew that at the very least, we wanted to be friends again. It didn't take long, however, to discover that the love shared over 20-plus years of marriage runs deep, and sooner than either of us expected, we were falling in love with each other again.

One night, after telling her goodnight and floating back to my car, I turned on the radio for the drive home and "Amazed" by the country band Lonestar came on the local miscellaneous pop station. I had sung this song to Amy in karaoke performances years ago, and listening to it again tapped into a deep wellspring of happy memories.

By the time I got home, I already had plans for a Spotify playlist. Late into that same night, the list had taken shape with about 30 songs. Now standing at 55 songs with a runtime of 3 hours and 40 minutes, my "Restoration" playlist is usually on at my computer or on my phone through my car stereo on a daily basis.

So to wrap up this month of songs we hate with an antidote of love and happiness, I give you my five essential songs from my soundtrack of second chances:

"Crazy for You" by Madonna
Far and away the best song of Madonna's entire career for my money, this romantic ballad was featured in the soundtrack of the wrestling drama Vision Quest. A huge hit in the eighties, I still consider it perhaps the best slow-dance song of the decade.

"Get Here" by Oleta Adams
This magnificent vocalist was featured on the Tears for Fears album The Seeds of Love, which gave Ms. Adams the fame and acclaim she so obviously deserves. I love the sentiment in the lyrics, "I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can."

"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
Perhaps the most beautiful and strange love song I've ever heard, this gem was gifted to me by Steve Lewis in a mix CD titled Welcome to the 21st Century. It was a response to my assertion that I didn't like any music made after the year 2000. Most of the tracks on that CD are now some of my favorites, and this is one of the top three (in case you're curious, the other two are "Common People" by William Shatner and "Simple Song" by The Shins).

"High" by The Cure
When I met Amy in 1995, the Cure's album Wish was already one of my favorites. "High" is the second track on the album, and I've always thought of Amy whenever I listen to this song. The melody is so joyful, and lyrics like "And when I see you / Take the same sweet steps / You used to take / I know I'll keep on holding you / My arms so tight / I'll never let you / Go" perfectly describe how I feel.

"Weekend in New England" by Barry Manilow
It's not a romantic playlist without Barry Manilow, and this is hands down, for me, the greatest song of his career. It's meant to be sung at top volume like your very heart depends on it. Try it out and see if you can keep from grinning!

Thanks to all of you who followed us through this musical minefield this month. We've been discussing some ideas for our next Blog Club project, and I can promise that whatever we decide, it's going to be uplifting!

Most Hated Songs #1: "I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

At last, the gold medal in the Kill Me Right Now category goes to my #1 most-hated song of all time, "I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Bridgett had this as her #10, and my sole comment was, "Too low." I never had any doubt when putting together this list that this song would be at the top. I've hated it since junior high.

I disliked it when I first heard it, but like so many of these songs on my list, it was played to death by my town's sole FM rock station. Today's kids don't understand how limited entertainment was just 40 years ago. This song was what used to be called "maximum rotation," which seemed to me to mean that it was played 4-5 times an hour.

Musically, it's moronically simple. Vocally, it varies between chanting and shouting. Lyrically, it has all the depth of a cheap greeting card. I've been subjected to this song about a million times like some kind of musical karma punishment. Given the opportunity, this is what I would to do every copy of this song in existence:

I'd rather...listen to all the songs on my list #2-#20 as a Spotify playlist on an infinite loop than ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: solitary confinement in a soundproof room where no music is ever played, for eternity

Listen instead to: "Misery Business" by Paramore, a far better example of a diminutive yet powerful female vocalist—Hayley Williams—fronting a rock band.

Most Hated Songs #2: "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger

The silver medal of shame in the Kill Me Right Now category goes to my #2 most-hated song, "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger. This song was featured in Tom Cruise's "dancing in his underwear" scene in the vastly overrated eighties movie Risky Business (seriously, watch it, it's not that good at all), and since that day, this song has been a ubiquitous selection at every dance party occasion in the English-speaking world.

I'm not even kidding about this. Maybe it's different today for young people, since all they seem to want to listen to is someone mumbling over an arrhythmic computer beat (or maybe it's static—who cares?), but for anyone born before 1990, I'd bet you a crisp, American $1 bill that at some point at your prom, class reunion, wedding reception, pub crawl, or any other public gathering, this worthless piece of crap is going to get played.

It's only redeeming quality is the seven-note intro riff, played twice, that serves as my early-warning signal to leave the dance, change the radio station, or shuffle off this mortal coil. I'm not much of a Bob Seger fan to start with, and the fact that he's sold off a good portion of his catalog to American advertising means his generic, Midwestern blues-rock comes on every commercial break, especially during football season. Way to stick it to the man, Bob!

This song is a cold, calculated, crowd-manipulating sing-along that appeals to the lowest common denominator across the board. Singing about how awesome rock and roll is goes back to the origin of the genre, and it's always been the laziest way to write a song. "The song I'm singing is awesome! This music is rock, and it rocks!" Shut the fork up and do something creative, you idiot.

We should also take note that this Blog Club project has exposed the fact that Tom Cruise's movies are a breeding ground for hate-inducing craptastic songs. I generally enjoy Cruise's movies as well as his work in them (I ignore the dumpster fire that is his personal life and "spiritual (?)" beliefs), but we should all go in to his new films with trepidation about what travesty lurks within the soundtrack.

I'd rather...live in Detroit than listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: An eternity spent living in Detroit.

Listen instead to: If you want to hear what American rock & roll is supposed to sound like, here's one of my favorites from the late, great Tom Petty (along with the Heartbreakers, of course!).

Most Hated Songs #3: "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin

Don't even start with me. Just don't.

Winning the bronze medal in the Kill Me Right Now category of my most-hated songs is #3, "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Now, just stop typing. I don't need to hear one more time about how great they are as a band. Yes, they are great. Hall of Fame Pantheon caliber, in the same breath with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. I get it. I don't need to hear about it one more time.

Just because they're great doesn't mean I can't still hate this song.

Despite all the social acceptability that weed has gained in the past decade, one fact remains: stoners are freaking annoying as hell. They just sit around with their eyes half open, laughing at nothing at all, responding to any and all questions with, "What?" I partied hard in high school, and if you wanted to drink, you hung out with stoners, because booze and weed always went together.

So I was at a party at some stoner's house, and evidently either he or one of his minions had exclusive control of the tape deck, and it was side one of Led Zeppelin 4...FOR FOUR FREAKING HOURS!!! If you're keeping track, it goes like this: 1) Black Dog; 2) Rock and Roll; 3) The Battle of Evermore; 4) Stairway to Heaven. Over. And over. And over...and over again... "Rock and Roll" is at least tolerable; I honestly don't remember a single note of "Evermore," and unlike most people who are sick of "Stairway to Heaven," I don't mind it as long as I only hear it about once a year.

But "Black Dog"...I hate Robert Plant's whiny acapella shrieking of every verse, followed by that pot-hazed guitar/bass riff that follows in some weird time signature that only makes sense if you're high AF. There's not one thing about this song that I don't hate. And again, let me make it clear...this is NOT an invitation for you to correct my misunderstanding of the genius of LZ. I hate this song, I never, ever, ever want to hear even one note of it played ever again, and no one I know has enough cash to pay me to even consider changing my mind.

I'd rather...listen to Mike Tucker's dissertation about Led Zep's greatness for a million years as long as it means I never have to listen to "Black Dog" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: Nickelback's opening band

Listen instead to: the one LZ song I actually like, "Immigrant Song," although I owe this more to the movies "School of Rock" and "Thor: Ragnorok" than the song itself.

Most Hated Songs #4: "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and New Bohemians

Continuing with the songs that make me what to say Kill Me Right Now, we reach #4, "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and New Bohemians. I hate this song so much it turns me into a twitching, stuttering, apoplectic mess. An inexplicable hit in the late eighties, it was so bad that Brickell and her stupid hippie band never saw the charts again. She later hooked up with Paul Simon and then disappeared into thankful obscurity.

Meanwhile, we're left with the musical equivalent of a drive-by shooting. Her voice is annoying from the get-go; the nonsense lyrics are both stupid and irritating, and the music is that craptastic hippie folk-rock garbage that, in a perfect world, would get white people wearing dreadlocks arrested and deported to a country where bathing and shaving are unknown customs.

I really don't have the proper words to describe just how much I hate this song. It makes me want to plug my ears with cement. It causes me to lose the will to live. It makes me want to find a farmer's market and start punching hippies at random.

In college, I revealed the depth of my hate for this song to my friends during dinner at the dorms one night. I had a short temper back then and would explode in fits of rage that involved red-faced screaming and waving my arms in the air because I obviously cared. My friends, of course, found this tremendously entertaining and would poke me incessantly to get me to blow my top. (Spoiler: it wasn't that much of a challenge.)

In sympathy and commiseration for my hatred for this song, Bill "Ditto" Williams and "Super" Dave Rainwater called my phone, which upon answering, featured them playing this song for me and laughing hysterically. They did this until I took my phone off the hook. I'm planning my revenge upon them in the same way that Khan planned his vengeance on Captain Kirk.

I'd rather: clean all the porta-potties at one of those Grateful Dead tribute concert festivals—you know the ones where none of the goddamn bands can play a single frickin' instrument—for a hundred thousand years than ever listen to that ghastly long again.

Dante's Inferno Level Eight: Jerry Garcia's geisha

Listen instead to: Folk-rock done right by Michael McDermott in his debut single, "A Wall I Must Climb" (audio only). I fell in love with his first album, "620 W. Surf" in 1991 and got to see him play live at The Blue Note in Columbia, MO. I thought he was going to be the next Bob Dylan...what happened? Check out this article if you're curious...it's a good read!

Most Hated Songs #5: "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys

Now that we've reached the pinnacle of hatred, we cross the line into the final category, Kill Me Right Now, in which given the option between a) listening to any of these songs or b) the sweet, cold hand of death, I'm shuffling off this mortal coil. Our first guide into the darkest recesses of musical torture is my #5 most-hated song, "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys.

This ridiculous, idiotic bit of musical atrocity is a dark stain on the otherwise stellar career of a legendary group. It's so bad, they should get an asterisk on their display at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for it. It's Willie Mays playing for the New York Mets bad. It's Joe Namath with the L.A. Rams awful. It's humiliating, embarrassing, and inexcusable.

This wretched rubbish is featured on the soundtrack of an equally atrocious movie, "Cocktail," in which Tom Cruise mixes drinks like a douchebag and cheats on Elizabeth Shue for no good reason. It's one of the worst movies ever as well as in my top five most hated movies, so I guess we could call this a synergy of hate.

This song has no redeeming qualities. Well, that's not entirely true...Wikipedia reveals three: 1) Brian Wilson had nothing to do with this song; 2) It lost at the Grammys to "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins, another awful song; 3) It lost at the Golden Globes to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon, which is also a giant stinkeroo for an otherwise remarkable artist. "Kokomo" has the power to actually drain hope away from a human life. Of course, eighties radio plays it on maximum rotation, because the universe is cruel and remorseless.

I'd rather: be forced to watch Tom Cruise's worst movie ever, "Vanilla Sky," on a permanent, endless loop than ever listen to "Kokomo" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Eight: staked to a beach in the Caribbean under the summer sun with no sunscreen or water, forever. Oh, and sand lice...lots and lots of sand lice.

Listen instead to: this cover of the Beach Boys classic "Don't Worry, Baby" with instruments and backing vocals by my friend Jerry Foster and lead vocals by his talented daughter, Jessica. (music only; no video)

Most Hated Songs #6: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynryd

At the top of the Rock and Roll Hell category is my most-hated song #6, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynryd Skynyrd. This song is the Redneck National Anthem and the pinnacle of hillbilly rock music. It gets played at least once an hour on classic rock stations, and it is guaranteed to be included on the soundtrack of any movie set in the American south.

I've lived in southeast Missouri all my life, which is a strange place geographically. It's not technically "The South," but it has a lot of the elements you would expect. At the same time, I was raised by a mother from St. Louis via Nebraska, so I've always had a Yankee mentality. Having said that, just about everything Southern Rock celebrates about the South is repugnant to me, so I not only hate this song, I hate the entire genre and the hillbilly culture it represents.

I'd rather: break up a bar fight between Alabama and Auburn fans the night before the Iron Bowl than ever have to listen to this song again (although practically speaking, it's what's playing at the bar during the fight).

Dante's Inferno Level Seven: eternity running a hot dog cart in the Bronx for these good ole southern boys.

Listen instead to: Third Day, contemporary Christian music's answer to southern rock.

Most Hated Songs #7: "More Than A Feeling" by Boston

We continue our descent into madness that is Rock and Roll Hell with my #7 most hated song, "More Than a Feeling" by Boston. I don't even want to post this because I know that every south St. Louis hoosier with a mullet and an eight-track player in his Camaro is going to be out for blood, but at this point, I'm in too deep to back away now.

Boston is one of those bands where I have to recognize the technical virtuosity of the musicianship but still say, "I just can't stand to listen to it." All their songs sound exactly the same to me, so this one is just a placeholder for all their stuff. And it's worthy as representative because it is the foundational mainstay of every classic rock station in America.

I would bet cash money that this song gets played every day on every classic rock station in existence. I know I hear it practically every time I switch stations on the radio. It's all so familiar—the guitar licks, the ultra-high chorus, the guitar solo. It's also a staple of every teenage movie set in the 1970s...its inclusion is an inevitability, and it almost ruins the movie for me every time I hear it.

I'll give the devil his due...it's objectively a good song by musicians who know what they're doing. Subjectively, I freaking hate this song and never want to hear it played again. I already know that no one else in Blog Club or Facebook will agree with this assessment, so...FLAME ON! This time, I probably deserve it.

I'd rather...incur the wrath of friends and Facebook readers in the form of 1,000 years of angry posts telling me what an idiot I am than have to endure listening to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Seven: Everyone involved in this song lives for eternity as freshman in a new high school in 1976. Plaid bell bottoms and a brown shirt with a butterfly collar are all they own to wear. And their mom drops them off in front of the school in her station wagon every day.

Listen instead to: the song that inspired one of the greatest SNL skits of all time, "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. (I've got a fever...and the only cure is...MORE COWBELL!)

Most Hated Songs #8: "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake

Coming in at #8 in the category Rock and Roll Hell is "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. This British band is a blatant Led Zeppelin wannabe group, and I'm not an LZ fan (save your rage for later...you're gonna need it), so blatant and inferior imitations need not apply.

This song was ubiquitous on radio and MTV during its popularity, due in no small part to supermodel Tawny Kitaen writhing around on the hood of a car. This moment was the pinnacle of their career, thankfully, and they evaporated into insignificance shorty thereafter. Except, you know, for the fact that classic rock radio still plays this damned song about 15 times a day.

I don't like anything about this song. I hate the slow open and the keyboards. I hate the generic pop metal beat in the verse, and I especially hate lead singer David Coverdale's screaming vocals on the chorus. Rock music lends itself to lyrical cliches, and this song is one of the worst offenders, offering insipid bromides as wisdom and significance.

I know that many who read this will disagree and talk about their love for this song. I'm sure that you have fond memories of listening to it at your prom, on a first date, at your wedding reception, or day in and day out on your favorite classic rock station. I understand. I really do. And I feel for you...

...because you have terrible taste in music.

I'd rather...perform Mr. Miyagi's "wax on, wax off" technique on every car on the planet than ever have to endure this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Six: An eternity tuning Jimmy Page's guitars but never being allowed to play so much as an E chord.

Listen instead to: pop metal done right..."Hysteria" by Def Leppard

Most Hated Songs #9: "Cherry Pie" by Warrant

I can feel the rage rising up in my chest like a bile-filled belch as I continue through the cesspool that is Rock and Roll Hell with my #9 pick for most-hated song, "Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Another of the generic, pretty-boy hair-metal bands that spread like chlamydia in the late eighties and early nineties, this was one of the very worst of the bunch, and this song is testament to their wretchedness.

This song is about having sex. Many great songs are about the thrill of passion, the joy of lovemaking, the sensuality of physical intimacy...this is definitely (or maybe this time I actually do mean "defiantly") not one of those songs. This song is the musical equivalent of sexual harassment. It's as subtle as a dick pic and as sexy as a fart in the shower.

The lyrics read like they were written by a junior high boy who has just discovered his dad's Playboy collection. (Yeah, I know, but this is from 1990 and Internet porn wasn't a thing yet...just go along with it.) The whole thing is, quite literally, shouted at the listener by this ridiculous excuse for a band (three chords doesn't make you a musician, dude. Chimps can play at least five chords for a banana).

If that wasn't bad enough, the video and the 45 single cover (that was a thing) for the song features a buxom young waitress with a slice of cherry pie placed...well, exactly where you think it would be. Of course, this being America, where stupid and sexist is a career booster, this song charted in the Top Ten and allowed Warrant their 15 minutes of allotted fame. There is nothing good about this song. I feel like I need to take a shower after talking about it.

I'd rather...play "Rochambeau" with Robert Smith (and let him go first every time) until the end of time than to ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Six: The band has to spend eternity listening to Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Andrea Dworkin, and Naomi Wolf lecturing about the importance of feminism. Also, they're bound and gagged so they can't say anything or try to leave.

Listen instead to: "When It's Love" by Van Halen, a song that proves that you can rock out and still be a romantic at heart...and when it's all said and done, isn't love the most important thing of all?

Most Hated Songs #10: "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" by Glass Tiger

The hate increases exponentially as we breach the top ten. We also start a new category, Rock and Roll Hell, where the songs are staples of the worst radio format ever invented, "Classic Rock." It's not that I hate rock music; nothing could be further from the truth. But I absolutely despise classic rock format stations because they play the same songs from the same 10-12 bands.

Batting lead-off for my top ten is my #10 most-hated song, "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" by Glass Tiger. I know that Nickleback gets most of the derision among Canadian rock bands, but where is the hate for these eighties-era schlockmeisters? This song is beyond terrible, and I've hated it since the first time I heard it.

It's a mid-tempo rocker with a horn section that makes everything worse. The lyrics are insipid, which pairs well with the lead singer's whiny voice. I'm still not sure why this song didn't start a trade war with Canada to prevent imports like these from slipping across our northern border. This song always makes me want to puke, and when it comes on (and it always does...it's in permanent rotation on the radio), I can't change the station fast enough.

I'd rather...gather moose manure from a Canadian forest in the dead of winter than ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Five: Being mauled by a real tiger.

Listen instead to: the only Canadian rock band that matters...Rush!

Most Hated Songs #11: "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex

At the top of the Weasel Goes the Pop category is this insanity-producing tune from the bowels of the satanic inferno, "Cotton Eye Joe" by the aptly named group Rednex. This bit of musical terrorism has everything that anyone could hate about a wretched song.

First, it has moronic lyrics chanted incessantly in a nasal hillbilly drawl that makes me think General Sherman didn't get quite tough enough on the South back in the day. Second, it has a variety of bluegrass instruments played at warp speed as if a group of rural meth-heads decided to start a band. Third, it's a virulent earworm that will not leave your brain until you've sacrificed about a million functioning neurons.

Finally, for some bizarro-world reason that I cannot comprehend, this song is played constantly at a wide variety of public events, most recently professional sporting events. I heard it a few weeks ago at a minor league baseball game and started to pray that I would get hit in the head with a foul ball to put me out of my misery.

I cannot understand why anyone would like this song. It's so terrible it makes me doubt the future of the human race that people choose to listen to it. The next ten songs I hate worse than this one, although at this moment, that hardly seems possible. I want this song erased from existence.

I'd rather...teach creation "science" at an evangelical parochial school in the Deep South than have to ever hear this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Five: Repeatedly beaten to death with a banjo, revived, then beaten to death with a fiddle, revived, beaten to death with a washboard, revived, etc.

Listen instead to: If you have to have a catchy country tune, "No News" by Lonestar is one of the best of its kind available.

Most Hated Songs #12: "Watch Me" by Silento

It's getting worse with each new entry in Weasel Goes the Pop, and today I'm inflicting on the blogosphere my #12 most hated song, "Watch Me" by Silento, or as it's better-known to the entire "Good God, this DJ freaking sucks" dance party world, the "Whip and Nae-Nae" song.

This has to be the only song written by a toddler. "Watch me! Watch me! Hey, watch me! Watch me now! Watch me!" I'm going to watch you sit in time-out if you don't be quiet! Not only is the song beyond bad, it's purpose is to have people do some kind of dance that evidently is supposed to approximate some mild form of seizure.

Look, I've been to enough dances to know there's an expectation about certain group activities. I already know if it's all adults, we're getting Billy Idol's "Mony, Mony" (hence it's inclusion at #20), and if it's a wedding reception in the Midwest, you better believe we're doing the Hokey Pokey and the Chicken Dance. It's gonna happen. And if the party's jumping, and you're with the right people, even these old chestnuts can be fun.

But this "Whip and Nae-Nae" meets none of these criteria. The song itself is atrocious, there's no strong dance beat to speak of (diss disco if you wish, but at least it always had a beat), the "music" sounds like it was stolen from an old Nintendo game, the kid's voice sounds like he's begging for candy at Walmart, and the lyrics...well, I would hate to be overly critical of the creative potential of precocious toddlers, because I think I've known a few who could do better than this.

I'd rather...do the Macarena until my arms and legs are crippled with repetitive stress injury than listen to "Watch Me" or ever have to attempt its alleged "dance moves" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Four: Those responsible for this song are forced to choreograph a complex ten-minute dance routine to a room filled with hungry, angry, sleepy toddlers. No one gets to sit down until each child nails his or her part.

Listen instead to: The grandmama of all dance party group activities, "Electric Slide" by Marcia Griffiths.

Most Hated Songs #13: "Work" by Rihanna

Continuing with the category Weasel Goes the Pop, we come to #13 on my list of most hated songs: "Work" by Rihanna. I don't think Rihanna is really all that spectacular, but she seems to be doing well for herself. I've accepted long ago that pop music has passed me by for a new generation, but music is music and should follow some basic patterns. One of those rules that should be followed is that you don't repeat the same word 47 million times in the lyrics of a song.

That's basically the whole thing here; Rihanna "sings" the word "work" over and over again. It's boring and dumb. Plus, she really nails this thing with music today where the vocalists refuse to enunciate the sounds of words. Consonants are mush-mouth mumbled so that the lines sound like one big vowel movement. I can't understand a bloody word this woman is saying.

To make matters worse, this song features another rapper called "Drake" (no one in music has a last name anymore, I suppose), whose ouvre also consists of speaking lyrics in a style that calls for the "singer" to move his jaw, lips, and tongue as little as possible. Seriously, guys, go listen to Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis or Barry Manilow and learn how the English language is supposed to sound when it's sung as lyrics. Enunciate your words, for God's sake!

I considered an equally repetitive and hated song of hers, "Umbrella," which suffers from similar badness, but this one is more annoying by order of magnitude. The song also suffers from what I hate most about modern pop music—a complete lack of musical instruments. Like so many songs, it's just her singing over a computerized beat. As I keep telling my youngest daughter, a computer is not a musical instrument. Music is made by people playing instruments that they know how to play. Mumbling over Preset Beat #3 doesn't make you good or interesting. However, it does, evidently, make some people millionaires.

I'd rather...work work work work work work work work work work work work outside in the southeast Missouri summer heat and humidity until the sun explodes than listen to this wretched song.

Dante's Inferno Level Four: Everyone involved with this song is forced to perform live with real musical instruments they don't know how to play. The audience is armed with projectiles to hurl at them when they screw up. After about a million years of this, they might end up with a decent band.

Listen instead to: what happens when Rihanna enunciates her words with the help of a real band playing instruments..."Love on the Brain." See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Most Hated Songs #14: "Believe" by Cher

Continuing with the category Weasel Goes the Pop, we encounter my Most Hated Song #14, "Believe" by Cher. Now, I have nothing against Cher. I loved her back in the seventies with then-husband Sonny Bono on the "Sonny and Cher" variety show. "Moonstruck" is still one of my favorite romantic comedies, and her work as an actress is admirable. She's an icon in the LGBTQ community and one of their most outspoken supporters.

Having said all that, this song is excrement and does a great disservice to her career. The most depressing feature of the song is how badly they auto-tune her voice, to the point that the song sounds like they programmed a computer with phonetic samples of Cher's voice and output them on a voice synthesizer. Cher can sing just fine; she doesn't need auto-tune.

Next is the stupid, repetitive disco beat, which should have been killed off like a vampire in 1982 but keeps coming back again and again like that unwanted friend from high school who keeps sending you Facebook friend requests. I do the same thing with this song that I do with the FB pest...I delete it. You should too.

I'd rather...audition on live TV for "Dancing With the Stars" with Rosanne Barr as my partner than listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Three: Everyone responsible for darkening Cher's reputation with this stinker should spend eternity cleaning the dance floor of Studio 54 circa 1978 with their tongues.

Listen instead to: Anything from the seventies is preferable, but "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" has always been one of my favorites.

Most Hated Songs #15: "Red, Red Wine" by UB40

Starting off my second category of awfulness, Weasel Goes the Pop, is the wretched pile of dog crap at #15 of my most hated songs, "Red, Red Wine" by UB40. For reasons that defy explanation, there was a period in the 1980s when white British bands decided to play reggae music. I'm still at a loss for why the ghost of Bob Marley did not rise from the grave like an avenging spirit in ancient days, but I guess the ganja in music heaven is too dank to worry about this mortal coil.

Most of this white-bread reggae-tinged music is utter crapola, but this is the pinnacle of awfulness. The beat is as slow and exhausting as a hot, humid summer day, and the lead singer's voice is so whiny and annoying you wish there were a way to reach through the stereo and punch him in the throat so he will never bleat another sound again.

To make things even worse, there's a reggae RAP at the end of the song. I shit you not. If you've never heard this song before, listen if you dare, but be forewarned...it's one of the most awful things you'll ever subject your ears to. It's almost as if the record producer told the band, "This is the worst piece of shit I've ever heard...betcha can't make it worse," and the lead singer said, "Hold my beer."

I'd rather...swim from Cuba to Jamaica covered in shark chum than to ever hear even one note of this terrible excuse for music.

Dante's Inferno Level Three: Every person involved in any way with this song is forced to spend eternity cleaning toilets and outhouses in Jamaica in the hottest part of the summer.

Listen instead to: A genuine, original reggae-inspired band that deserves much more credit than they get for a unique, innovative sound—Fishbone. I saw them live twice in Columbia when I was in grad school...still two of the best concerts I've ever attended. Enjoy!

Most Hated Songs #16: "What's Up?" by Four Non-Blondes

Rounding out the category of Overplayed to Death is my #16 most hated song, "What's Up?" by Four Non-Blondes. I hate everything about this song. I hate the melody. I hate the lyrics. I hate the chorus. I hate the sound of the singer's voice. I hate her stupid-ass white-girl dreadlocks. As far as I know, this is the only song by this group that ever charted, but it's one song too many.

Everything about this song is irritating, especially the fact that the chorus asks, ad nauseum, "What's going on?" but the song is titled "What's Up?" I can only assume that this was done so that people wouldn't confuse this pile of rubbish with Marvin Gaye's classic "What's Going On," but upon listening, there was no chance of that ever happening.

Inexplicably, this wretched song continues to get radio airplay on a variety of genres. You know how some songs from the past come on the radio, and you get happy because you like the song but haven't heard it in quite a while? Yeah, "What's Up?" is the exact opposite; I remember how much I hate this song and wish that it would never get played again...ever.

I'd rather...re-live any one of the days during the interminable period when Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" was #1 on MTV's daily request show forever, like some scuzz-ball version of "Groundhog Day," than to ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Two: Everyone involved on this song spends eternity as roadies for Tiffany on a shopping mall performance tour of recession-torn Rust Belt states.

Listen instead to: Nothing by this group, but for a marvelous version of what FNB's singer was likely trying to imitate, listen to "Joey" by Concrete Blonde.

Most Hated Songs #17: "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler

Under the category of Overplayed to Death is my #17 Most Hated Song, "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler. It's the go-to song for anyone who wants to dedicate good feelings to someone who's done something meaningful for them, and as a result, it's been played a million times on radio, television shows, and the wretched movie it comes from, "Beaches."

Midler is a powerful singer, of that there is no debate. This song, however, is maudlin and treacly, trading in both lyrical and musical cliches manipulatively designed to elicit maximum emotion. The only emotion it elicits from me is disgust and an overwhelming desire to change the station.

I'd rather...be stuck watching "American Idol" bad audition outtakes as the only entertainment option available to me than to listen to this song one more time.

Dante's Inferno Level One: Those responsible for the song should be stuck on an endless blind date with "Beaches" star Barbara Hershey's character from "Hoosiers."

Listen instead to: The definitive Bette Midler ballad, "The Rose."

Most Hated Songs #18: "The Look" by Roxette

At #18 in my list of most-hated songs, still in the category of Overplayed to Death, is Roxette's ubiquitous #1 hit from 1989, "The Look." My musical tastes are pretty vanilla, and I'm a sucker for catchy Euro-synth pop (a-ha, anyone?), and the truth is, I like most of Roxette's stuff that was played on the radio in their heyday, but Jesus, I hate this freaking song.

You know how some people (Amy) just hate cilantro? It's something hard-wired into their taste buds. My hatred for this song goes back to the first time I heard that twangy opening riff. I didn't like it at all upon first listening, and once the rapid-fire verse chant started, my hate only grew. Once the screaming chorus of inane call-and-response ("She's got the look SHE'S GOT THE LOOK!") started, I turned off the radio and thought, "I'll never listen to that crap again."

Wrong. The song went to #1 and was on the radio all the time. To make matters worse, all my friends (esp. roommates Wags and Queso) loved the song and listened to it at full volume at every opportunity. Usually this will put me off a group for good, but strangely enough, I like most of Roxette's other songs, especially the ballads "It Must Have Been Love" and "Listen to Your Heart." Ugh, but this one...turn it off!

I'd rather...have to scoop the litter boxes out for all the crazy cat ladies in New York City for a thousand years than to have to listen to this song even one more time!

Dante's Inferno Level: Purgatory—Those responsible for this atrocious assault on my auditory senses should be condemned to an eternity of country line dancing to a bad Slim Whitman tribute band whose instruments are all out of tune.

Listen instead to: If you like up-tempo Roxette tunes, "Dressed for Success" is my favorite...it's catchy and infectious in a good, "hum a happy tune" way, instead of "The Look"'s "infectious like genital warts" way.

Most Hated Songs #19: "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood

Coming in at #19 of my most hated songs (in the category Overplayed to Death) is "Bad the the Bone" by George Thorogood. This is one of those songs that you recognize immediately by its iconic introduction. I like that. It gives me time to change the radio station before the song really gets into high gear. I could have included any of his songs on my list because I'm really not a fan of the blues at all (sue me), and I hate all of Thorogood's songs, but this is the one that's used in about 1,000 different movies to indicate that something is either "Bad to the Bone" or ironically not "bad" at all, but we're supposed to laugh at the juxtaposition between this awful song and some nerdy guy. Whatever. Even thinking about this song irritates me.

I'd rather...have to sweep and mop every club on Beale St. the day after Memphis in May concludes than to listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level—Limbo: An eternity spent in a dentist's chair waiting for a root canal for an abcessed tooth.

Listen instead to: "Elvis is Everywhere" by Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper

Most Hated Songs #20—"Mony, Mony" by BIlly Idol

Looks like I'm the last entry in the blog club for our kickoff, so let me set a few ground rules of my own. I'm working with four broad categories for my songs in groups of five. I'll be explaining why I hate the song, what I'd rather do instead of listen to that song, the level of Dante's Inferno those responsible for the song should have to endure, then a friendly suggestion as an alternative, either from that artist or a similar song in terms of style and genre. 

Unlike the sturm und drang that Jeff and Steve have experienced in putting this list together, I have a long and inglorious history with hating things and ranting about them ad nauseum. In this case, I'm embracing the dark side of music history as a cathartic exercise. With any luck, I'll never have to listen to any of these songs ever again, or at the very least, be able to turn off the radio or leave the venue with all due haste.

Category: Overplayed to Death—these songs may have some redeeming qualities in and of themselves, but to my ears, they've been played and overplayed so much that I would be quite content to live another 100 years and never hear them again.

#20—"Mony, Mony" by Billy Idol
An original classic by Tommy James & The Shondells, I enjoyed Idol's cover version for about the first 10,000 times I heard it. But you can only go to so many proms, wedding receptions, and office Christmas parties until the juvenile, asinine locker-room sing-along becomes completely off-putting. This song has become even more cliched than the Chicken Dance, the Hokey-Pokey, and the Electric Slide combined. Any couple who insists on having this song on their wedding reception playlist should have their marriage immediately annulled.

I'd rather...have to scrub out the inside of Billy Idol's leather concert outfit with my only toothbrush than to have to listen to this song even one more time.

Dante's Inferno Level: Limbo—Those responsible for this audio atrocity should have to wait in line for eternity in a DMV office playing Tiffany's remake of Tommy James's "I Think We're Alone Now."






Listen instead to...Billy Idol's up-tempo remake of The Doors' classic "L.A. Woman."