Bird Brain

You never know what's going to connect with the zeitgeist of American culture. It's obvious that as a world superpower, the United States is working through the various stages of decline into a significantly less powerful nation. It's not the end of the world, it's just something that happens to empires. Empires are unsustainable, and none of them have ever lasted for more than a few hundred years.

Where are they now? The empires of Sumeria, Akkadia, Babylon, Persia, Macedonia, Rome, China, Mongolia, the Ottomans, Great Britain, and Japan? Most are forgotten outside of a college Ancient History course. China, Japan, and Britain are all economic powers, but they hardly match the scope of their imperial days. The American Empire is falling apart as well, both internally and internationally, and the culture of American entertainment reflects this accordingly.

So it's not really a surprise that another end-of-the-world supernatural thriller like Netflix's Bird Box has captured the imagination of millions here at Christmastime in Trump's hate-and-rage-filled America. It's a hyper-violent suspense thriller with good acting by a talented cast. It's also completely undeserving of high acclaim due to yet another terrible, lazy, ridiculous script. It's as if since Carrie Fisher died, the entire profession of "script doctor" in Hollywood has died with her.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, and you want to, do not let my criticism deter you. My family and friends who have seen it have truly enjoyed it. For me, it was a serviceable (albeit slow and completely predictable) piece of throwaway entertainment. But I'm going to spoil the shit out of everything, so please, if you're planning on watching it, stop reading, and don't come back until you've seen it.



So, what's my beef? Plenty...

Apocalypse By-the-Numbers Plot
Stop me if you've seen this...an unexpected global catastrophe kills billions of people worldwide, ending organized, technological civilization as we know it. Our main character manages to join forces with a few survivors—most of whom represent factions of the culture who hate each other (e.g. a black guy and a racist white prick)—to try to figure out how to steer clear of the catastrophe as well as the danger posed by other survivors (most of whom are psychotic murderers...evidently Sunday School teachers have a low survivability rate). The decision is made to try to travel to a location that is supposed to be safe from catastrophe and vicious survivors, but of course, the journey is fraught with all kinds of peril. One by one, our survivor group dies off, until only the protagonist and maybe one or two others finally make it to safety (or find out safety no longer exists). These plot points are as predictable and regular as the outline for a Greek tragedy, and no movie is more by-the-numbers in this way than Bird Box. It's as original as a box of corn flakes. I knew exactly what was going to happen long before it happened; there were no surprises to be found.

Boring, Two-Dimensional Characters
This is Fiction Writing 101, people. You have to give your audience a reason to care about your characters. Bird Box gets by almost exclusively on Sandra Bullock's popularity and personality. I think Bullock is wonderful in just about everything she's ever been in. Here, I never knew who her character was supposed to be. Okay, she's an artist, but that doesn't affect her character in any way. Many character points are alluded to—she and her sister don't get along with her mother, Bullock's baby daddy is out of the picture, she's worried about being a mother—but they don't inform us about who these people are in any way other than keeping score. I found Bullock's character to be such a cipher that I wasn't emotionally invested in whether she lived or died. The other characters are mere cardboard cutouts of the actors who play them. Sarah Paulson is acerbic, John Malkovich is loud and angry, and the others (lady cop, punky white guy, chubby black nerd, hunky black dude, gay Asian) are stereotypes taken straight from the diversity plot wheel. Bullock's children are literally named "Boy" and "Girl," a projection of how generically these characters are developed.

What the Fuck is Killing Everybody?
When your main point of conflict is a fucking Macguffin, I must conclude that you're too goddamned lazy to write a compelling story. The Nerd gives us a perfunctory explanation of what it might be, but it's the last word. The catastrophe is driven by an invisible entity that causes humans who look upon it to immediately kill themselves (in the most violent and horrible ways possible, of course). Why? For what purpose? Some humans don't die, however. Those who are mentally ill worship the entity and travel around forcing others to look, which almost always results in that person's death by suicide. To make things even more fucking stupid, this entity, which has the power to turn a normal human mind suicidally insane, cannot enter a human-made building. Are you kidding me? Do you have any other idiotic plot holes for me to drive a Sherman Tank through? How about if those who are just neurotic, but not fully psychotic, don't commit suicide but are overcome by an overwhelming urge to disco dance? That would make just about as much sense. It's not "cool" to create a deadly entity and never explain it; it's just a lazy, undeveloped idea. And yeah, this movie is based on a book, and the entity isn't explained in the book, either. That makes this whole thing doubly lazy.

Five Years Later? Bitch, please...
I suppose I should blame AMC's The Walking Dead for this, as two years into a zombie apocalypse, yards are still mowed and trimmed and houses are intact, but it's even worse in Bird Box. Five years later, everything inside and outside looks exactly the same. Most houses are intact, and in the most ridiculous scene of the movie, Bullock and her partner, Tom (Trevante Rhodes), scavenge a house and find a box of strawberry Pop-Tarts...and they eat them! And the kids smile at their first taste of strawberry! Are you fucking serious, people? A simple Google search will tell you that Pop-Tarts are edible from no more than 6-12 months past their sell-by date. Five years later, assuming they hadn't been scavenged by animals, they would have been completely inedible and probably cause for food poisoning. I almost stopped watching the movie at this point. Also, take a look at just one episode of the History Channel's wonderful series Life After People to see just how quickly nature takes over human constructions after we leave. This website details what happens in just a few years to an abandoned home. It's an unforgivable sin of writing to not include details that can be discovered in less than a minute with a simple Internet search.

I Can't See Where I'm Going!
Bullock and Rhodes are contacted by walkie-talkie by Rick, who gives them directions to the safe sanctuary. I'm not going to fuss about batteries, since they do have a shelf-life of 5-10 years, but I am going to gripe about where this sanctuary is located. It's in the middle of fucking nowhere, so much so that it's only accessible by a dangerous river journey and then a walk through the woods (woods where, mind you, there are clear and open paths for Bullock and her children to walk along, because nothing grows in these kinds of movies) to get to a school for the blind, a convenient place to be, since sighted people must wear blindfolds outside to avoid the entity, which only has power over the sighted. I guess supernatural murder abilities don't extend to hearing or telepathy. Again, when you don't explain the power at work, that's a gigantic plot hole. Can someone please explain to me why a school for the blind would be so absolutely inaccessible? It seems that it would need to be especially easy for people to find, seeing as they are BLIND! Let's add to the stupidity that the river journey goes through rough rapids that require someone to take off their blindfold and look outside, which is the one thing that will FOR SURE kill your ass dead. Since Pop-Tarts are still good, I'm going to assume cell phones and GPS systems are still functional, too. Just give me your address and I'll walk there.

Shut the Fork Up!
I've intentionally laced this post with profanity, including the ever-versatile "fuck" in several places to make a couple of different points. First, I'm no shrinking violent when it comes to vulgar language. In fact, most of my friends, especially those from college, would tell you that if there was a Mount Rushmore for foul language, I'd be immortalized in stone. But here's the rule I follow in my own writing as well as advice I give to others: don't use it unless you have to. If you can take it out, and the sentence still has the same meaning and emotional effect, then take it out. It makes the times that you use it so much more impactful. Netflix, being immune from FCC regulations, uses it so gratuitously at times that it becomes monotonous. Also, real-life people (outside of junior high boys) don't talk this way. Yes, we curse and use profanity, just not seven times in every sentence. Once again, it's lazy writing that supposedly instills "street cred" in a story or makes it sound tough. It's not. It's boring, and it tells me that you don't have anything more clever to say. Aaron Sorkin knows how to use profanity properly. Watch this clip from HBO's The Newsroom. Jeff Daniels only uses three curse words, but look at the emotional power they generate. This is how it should be done. I'm not calling for no profanity...I'm asking for smarter, more intelligent profanity.

So what's the final verdict?
Look, most of the people I know really liked Bird Box. I consider it a C-minus at worst, a C-plus at best. I'd probably watch it again if a close friend who hadn't seen it wanted me to watch it with him or her. It's not a terrible way to spend a couple of hours, but it's also indicative of how entertainment could be so much better if writers, directors, and producers would take the time to think about the script in a critical way and fix these systemic defects before they make it onto the screen. As a writer, I would have demanded so much more of myself than to turn in a script with this many obvious problems. And you can't blame the streaming services, either, because Amazon Prime gave us The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which is one of the best-written, smartest, funniest, and most linguistically fucking profane shows in recent memory. Print may be dying, but good writing never goes out of style.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #1—"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid

My favorite Christmas song since I first heard it in 1984, this is not only a great song, it's a great sentiment for what Christmas should really be about, and it's a landmark in that it kicked off the modern wave of celebrity-driven charity fundraising events such as Farm Aid and Comic Relief. This particular effort led to the 1985 Live Aid concerts in London and Philadelphia, one of the greatest events in modern musical history.

Inspired by television news reports of the devastating famine in Ethiopia, Boomtown Rats frontman Bob Geldof and Ultravox lead singer Midge Ure were inspired to write a song to try to raise funds to help with international relief efforts. They recruited most of the top performers in the UK and Ireland at the time.

Here's the lineup: Bananarama, The Boomtown Rats, Culture Club, Duran Duran, Genesis, Heaven 17, Jody Watley, Kool & the Gang, Paul Young, The Police, Spandau Ballet, Status Quo, The Style Council, U2, Ultravox, Wham! David Bowie and Paul McCartney couldn't make it to the recording session but provided a spoken message on the B-side (that's vinyl records, kids!).

The video is as basic as you can get: the studio recording session for vocals, and it looks like most of the talent just rolled out of bed, got in the car, and arrived at the studio. Here's who you get before the first chorus: Paul Young, Boy George, George Michael, Simon LeBon, Sting, Tony Hadley (Spandau Ballet), Bono, and Phil Collins (on drums). The rest of the singers appear on choir risers for the chorus.

The song debuted at number one on the UK charts and stayed there for five weeks. Geldof originally hoped to raise 70,000 pounds; the initial 12-month tally was eight million pounds. Their efforts culminated the next summer with the Live Aid concerts, the highlight of which was Queen's legendary performance, acknowledged by many to be one of the greatest live performances in rock history.

But more than that, the song captures the true spirit of Christmas—Christ came to give good news to the poor and to give hope to those who have no other hope. These British and Irish musicians didn't stop famine and poverty in Africa, but they did what they could at the time, and they made a difference. Can you imagine what kind of world we could live in if every person did what little they could, every day, to try to make someone else's life a little better and a little easier?

Is that what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown?

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #2—"Mary, Did You Know?" by Mark Lowry

The only truly Christian Christmas song on my list, "Mary, Did You Know?" has been a staple of the Christmas season in churches across America. It's gained mainstream success from a number of great renditions, notably by Pentatonix and, strangely enough, Cee Lo "F*** You" Green. In searching for the perfect version of this song to capture the emotion this song should rightly convey, I found a 2016 recording by an acapella group called Voctave singing with the song's author, Mark Lowry, on lead vocals.

Lowry is an unlikely candidate as the author and singer of one of the most popular Christmas songs in Christendom. He's a Christian comedian (another rare bird in its own right) whose shows emphasize the importance of laughter and joy in the Christian life. I like his act; while he's not as funny as most secular stand-ups, he is hilarious for those of us with an extensive church background, and he's a welcome antidote to what I call "the soul-crushing joylessness of Christianity." (If you don't know what that means, look at a picture of Vice-President Mike Pence.)

I really love the dichotomy between the divine theology and the human practicality expressed in the lyrics. When I try to understand the Bible, I think about it in terms of real people with real questions. You have to know that Joseph cried "bullshit" whenever Mary told him she was pregnant and God was the father. Yeah...right...that happens! We make this couple so holy that we miss the fact that they were real human beings with doubts and questions and fears.

Let's assume the truth of the nativity story, and let's think about Mary of Nazareth...a teenage girl giving birth to the Son of God. Don't you think she would have some serious, deeply troubling questions about what it all meant? Wouldn't you? We also need to think about Mary as one of Jesus's disciples, because she was. All those things that Lowry writes in the lyrics were things that Mary witnessed as she followed her son through his ministry. She was there at the end, too, witnessing his death and marveling at his resurrection.

This may be one of the most philosophically and theologically challenging Christmas songs ever composed. It's also one of the most beautiful, and if you can listen to this version without crying tears of joy, then I'm afraid your heart may be even smaller than the Grinch's was.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #3—"It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year" by Andy Williams

Whenever I hear this song, whatever the venue or medium, I know that it's really Christmas time. Written in 1963 and recorded by Andy Williams, this song is a celebration of all the fun events associated with the end-of-year holidays. Some of the traditions are admittedly dated (scary ghost stories? A holdover from Victorian traditions), but the sentiment still holds true.

The song itself also holds a special place in my memories because it was the title of the first play that I acted in. It was the late nineties, and I had only been married for a little while. I had joined our church choir, faking my way through tenor parts by ear because I couldn't read bass clef (still suck at that part, truth be told).

This was a huge Christmas production, with sets and costumes, and taking place over several nights with city-wide publicity. We actually permanently modified our church sanctuary, cutting out a hole over the baptistry big enough for adults to walk through. My oldest daughter, Lydia, appeared with me in the opening scene, and it was the first theatrical production we did together. There would be many more with her after I assumed direction of kids' choir; she was one of my best actors and singers that I ever had.

My favorite part of the song is how it ends, with the orchestra crescendoing toward that final note as Williams and the chorus repeat the line, "It's the most wonderful time..." I'm so overcome with the Christmas spirit by the conclusion that I'm even willing to hang up Christmas lights. In fact, this song makes me feel like this:

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #4—"Christmas Baby Please Come Home" by U2

I didn't even have this song on my list when I first began to compile it. Then I did a few internet searches to make sure my porous memory didn't leave out a favorite. (As it turns out, many of the songs my Blog Club colleague Jeff South has posted could have made my own list.) This one was listed under its original version by the inimitable Darlene Love, a worthy version in its own right.

But when it comes to U2, I'm an unabashed fan of just about everything they've ever done. I will argue until I'm blue in the face that they absolutely deserve to be in the top five greatest rock groups of all time (but that's an argument for another day, another time...), and their version of this song gives me chills every time I hear it.

Bono's voice is the perfect blend of plaintive and hopeful for the lyrics of the song, wishing for his lost love to return, the most unlikely yet wonderful gift the singer could receive. Maybe it's my own journey this year, reconciling with my wife after one unhappy Christmas apart, that makes this song resonate so strongly with me this time around.

Regardless, U2 is always a treasure for me, and this song is always on heavy rotation this time of year. It's also the fourth and final selection from the 1987 album A Very Special Christmas, which would easily top my list of favorite Christmas albums, should such a list ever come up.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #5—"Christmas in Hollis" by Run-DMC

I turned 50 years old this year. One of the things I like best about being born in 1968 was that I was a kid in the seventies, a teen in the eighties, a young adult in the nineties, a dad in the aughts, and now a grandpa in the tweens. I've seen a lot of remarkable changes that my kids and grandkids take for granted without a second thought.

One of those changes in the pop music arena is rap. It's ubiquitous on pop radio stations today, and for me, quite infuriating in most cases. The lyrics are mumbled over a monotonous, repetitive, computer-generated beat. This is what passes for music, and for my two youngest kids, rap and hip-hop are all they listen to.

I'm so old I can remember before rap was even heard of, much less commonly listened to. Like most new music forms, it was hated by my parents as much as I hate my own kids' music today (some things never change...). But in the eighties, it was new, something we had never heard before, and one of the pioneering voices of this new music was Run-DMC.

They were big enough by 1987 to warrant a spot on the first A Very Special Christmas album with this original song about Christmas time in their childhood neighborhood of Hollis, Queens, in New York City. Like all good art, we find something that either appeals to us or that we can relate to. They sing about the anticipation of presents, Mom's awesome holiday cooking, snow, fellowship...it's actually the perfect Christmas carol. The completely cheesy eighties video is an extra present!

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #6—“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by The Pretenders

Originally written in 1944 by Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane, and sung by Judy Garland in the movie Meet Me in St. Louis, this is one of the most-performed classic Christmas songs, and also one with many different lines. The original was far more melancholy, and through the years, lines have been changed to try to make the tone a bit more upbeat.

Balderdash. Leave the song alone. I like a little sadness with my eggnog. You see, you can't experience joy without a little sadness, too. (Don't understand? Go watch Pixar's InsideOut and then come read the rest of the blog.) Christmas comes at the end of the year. It gets dark at 4:30 in the afternoon. Everything is gray, bare, and dead. Winter and night are both metaphors for death in poetry. Are you getting the theme here?

Christmas, at its heart, is deadly serious business. God, the creator of all things, is coming into this shit-stained, murderous, greedy world as a baby. Worse, a Jewish peasant baby to an unwed couple controlled by the Roman Empire at the macro level, and more locally, a homicidal tyrant collaborator. He's being born into poverty and homelessness, and his life is going to end with an unjust, brutal public execution. Sing a happy tune about that, boys and girls!

Human life is just like that. We rejoice at a birth at the same time that we're celebrating a death. We love to spend time with family and friends during the holidays, but when you've lost someone you love, as my family has this year, the absence is overwhelming. Christmas reminds us of what we've lost. In one way, that's good, because it reminds us to be grateful and to cherish the moments we have with those around us, but to ignore the melancholy of the season is to deny its reality and its purpose.

That's why I love this song so much. It embraces the inherent sadness of the holiday and reminds us to find our happiness in spite of whatever it is that we've lost. For me, no other voice does this sentiment justice as much as Chrissy Hynde and The Pretenders from the 1987 album A Very Special Christmas. It's a beautiful interpretation of the ambivalence that the season brings.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #7—"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by MercyMe

I still love the Brenda Lee original, and it's a guaranteed sing-along for me every time it comes on, but I have a special affinity for this modern update of the Christmas classic by contemporary Christian rock band MercyMe. Their version brings a new energy to an old favorite.

My personal affinity is heightened by the fact that during my last time through the Christmas season as the drummer for the praise band at Fellowship Church in 2016, this was part of our Advent song rotation. Led by singer/guitarist Robert Monroe, the Fellowship band was, IMHO, far and away the best praise band in southeast Missouri. I've had the honor to play with a lot of great musicians through the years at Fellowship, and they all made me a better drummer for the experience.

Most Christmas songs, even for praise band, are pretty routine, even boring in a lot of cases. Not this one. It was a straight-out rocker for us, even more edgy than the MercyMe recording that we based our cover on. I'm pretty self-centered as a drummer; to me, a good song is one that gives me something interesting and fun to do. "Rockin'" was the best of all the Christmas songs we ever did in that regard...no holding back, no "Silent Night," just play it loud and fast.

I haven't decided if I'm retired or just in hiatus from worship music at this point. I don't have a gig that's opened up yet, but I'm certainly open to possibilities. I guess you could call me a free agent at this point. Make me an offer. But I did have 13 good years with a great band. Not bad for a mediocre drummer like me!

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #8—"Jingle Bell Rock" by Hall & Oates

Oh, don't get me wrong, I love the original 1957 recording by Bobby Helms; it has classic Golden Age of Early Rock feel to it that sounds so much like the soundtrack to a Stephen King movie set in the America of mid-twentieth century. That be-bop shuffle, the swing rhythm in the lyrics, the break in the middle of the chorus...they're all classic oldie standards.

No, today's version goes to one of the most outrageously eighties videos ever made for any reason, the Hall and Oates version from 1983, and yes, people actually dressed like that and wore their hair LIKE THAT back in the early eighties. Candy coated and egregiously goofy on purpose, this is about as much fun as you can have at Christmas without spiking the eggnog.

I don't know if the eighties were a better time to be a teenager than it is today, but there are a lot of similarities. Communication and entertainment were changing rapidly with new technologies, there was a lot of social anxiety about national and world events, our national leader seemed likely to start a nuclear war because he had a bad hair day (actually not true—Reagan's hair was lacquered in place and never moved), and forces of diversity and inclusion fought against narrow-minded bigotry in many venues. On the bright side, we had simple, silly diversions such as this one.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #9—"Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

This song is as traditional as they come for me, and an absolutely essential song for my list. I grew up marking my calendar every year for the various Rankin-Bass stop-motion animation Christmas shows (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer; Santa Claus is Coming to Town), and "Holly Jolly Christmas" is sung in Rudolph by his character Sam the Snowman.

Hearing this song today transports me back to the 1970s, when a Christmas list was formed in the fall with the advent of the Christmas catalogs from Sears, JCPenney, and Montgomery Ward, and sealed with a letter to Santa Claus (with a copy for my parents, too, of course). Once Thanksgiving had passed, you checked the local TV listings to see when the Christmas shows would air.

This was long before streaming video, before DVDs and satellite television (unless you were super-rich), even before VCRs, and in a lot of places, cable television. You had one chance to see the various Christmas specials, and if you missed it, you had to wait AN ENTIRE YEAR before they aired again.

Needless to say, part of a child's prayers back in the day included no bad weather to interfere with the TV signal, and for the sake of the Baby Jesus, no presidential address to pre-empt the show. Back to the song...it's nothing special musically, but the memories associated make it a must to include for me.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #10—"Santa Baby" by Madonna

Before everyone has a conniption fit about me choosing Madonna's version over the Eartha Kitt, original, just remember that Lee Meriwether, Julie Newmar, and Michelle Pfeiffer were ALL better versions of Catwoman than Ms. Kitt.

<heads explode in rage>

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about Madonna's rendition of the playful Christmas classic composed by Joan Javits and Phillip Springer in 1953. Recorded in 1987 and part of the remarkable "A Very Special Christmas" album, Madonna's version channels a combination of Betty Boop and Marilyn Monroe for this Material Girl's wish list for Santa.

Backed up by a lush orchestra, "Santa Baby" is perfect ear candy for the holidays. It's a timeless song that has been covered by Gwen Stefani, LeAnn Rimes, and Kylie Minogue, but other than Kitt's original, this is the one to listen to. And really, who wouldn't want the deed to a platinum mine?

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #11—"Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano

Since I was little, as far back into the 1970s as I can remember, this song has made me happy. Even before I was old enough to understand that "Feliz Navidad" was Spanish for "Merry Christmas," this classic tune has always made me smile.

There's something exotic about hit songs in other languages. Some of the most notable were sung in German (go figure), such as "99 Luftballoons," "Rock Me Amadeus," and "Der Kommissar." I mention those three because their English-translated versions are just awful. It really loses everything cool about the song in translation.

Jose Feliciano, however, bridges the transition between Spanish and English perfectly, blending the two languages together in a singular message of peace and prosperity at Christmas time. This message is sorely needed in today's world. In a time when we pray for peace on earth, maybe we could start by not being such giant assholes toward our southern neighbors. It's not much, I know, but at least it's a start.

Twelve Songs of Christmas: #12—"Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes

The song that kicks off my countdown is the perfect tune to kick off the Christmas season. "Sleigh Ride" was written in 1948 by Leroy Anderson, with lyrics added by Mitchell Parish in 1950. There have been countless versions of the song throughout the years, all of which I enjoy every time, but this 1963 version by The Ronettes is head-and-shoulders above all the rest for me.

I know that in retrospect, Phil Spector is a human reptile, but in spite of that, his signature "Wall of Sound" technique build musical layers that best feature Ronnie Spector's lead vocals as well as the "Ring-a-ling-a-ling, ding-dong-ding" of the background vocals that drives the song forward.

The holiday season is almost always a busy rush for most people, but especially for those who embrace Christmas in either its religious or secular activities (and often both at the same time). The up-tempo joyfulness of this song keeps my spirits light and my feet moving, especially when there is so much to do before the 25th. Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go!

Twelve Songs of Christmas: Honorable Mentions

Because it's the Christmas season, we here at Blog Club would like to commemorate the festivities with our take on the classic carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by posting, over the next twelve days, our twelve favorite Christmas songs. Like most of the things we do, we had a conversation about the boundaries and parameters of what this would entail. Upon conclusion, I'm guessing that we're all going to do our own thing (go figure!). Anyone who's read our previous efforts in movies and music could have guessed that already.

So how am I approaching it? For me, it's the twelve essential Christmas songs that I love to listen to repeatedly during the holidays. These are the ones I don't get tired of. In some cases, it will be a particular version by an individual artist that makes it special, and in some other cases, the song itself is a beloved favorite, and multiple interpretations just make it better. Most of my songs are secular; my comrades may or may not have more traditional church carols included.

As always, these are personal and subjective choices, and even if you hate the song or the version that I chose, remember two things: 1) You are free, invited, and encouraged to create your own blog, join the Blog Club (easiest membership ever...just post something!), and post your own favorites, making sure in your own prose to point out my numerous errors of taste; 2) Remember that some people like Hawaiian pizza—there's just no accounting for tastes, and besides, that's what makes the world go 'round. (And gravity, or something, I think...you know, science...)

We're running the official twelve beginning tomorrow, which will unveil our top choices on Sunday, December 23, wrapping things up right on time before Christmas Eve. After all, even if we wanted to write, you're going to be too busy to read. But before my #12 pick tomorrow, here are the five Honorable Mention songs that I also love...just not enough to put them ahead of the others.

#13—"Winter Wonderland"
I walk around during the month of December singing this as much as any other Christmas song. My favorite rendition comes from Eurythmics and the incomparable voice of Annie Lennox.

#14—"Let It Snow"
Fun to sing along at any time, this Christmas classic also plays during the closing credits of one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time...Die Hard.

#15—"I'll Be Home for Christmas"
I've acted in a Christmas play of the same name twice, and this song always brings back fond memories. It's also one of the best sentiments of the season...being at home surrounded by family and friends is one of the best things about the holiday season. I'm including Frank Sinatra's version, which is smoother than the scotch he was drinking during the recording session.

#16—"Grown-Up Christmas List"
One of the best "new" Christmas songs of the past 20 years, this sentiment is sorely needed in our selfish, materialistic culture today. Amy Grant's voice is as comforting as a warm pair of slippers in front of a fireplace.

Bonus Track—"Carol of the Bells"
Family Guy has totally ruined this song for me, but especially for my wife, since this is the version I sing out loud to her anytime any other version of this song is played:

Most Quotable Movies #1: The Princess Bride

I watched this movie a couple of weeks ago with my wife, Amy, and I realized that The Princess Bride should have been included somewhere in my top 25 favorite movies of all time. This is one of the most wonderful movies ever made, with performances that are funny and touching, villainous and heroic, absurd and relatable. It is a fairy tale for both people who think that fairy tales are silly diversions as well as people who would prefer to live in a fairy tale world.

There isn't a moment of this film that is wasted time or space, and director Rob Reiner is at the pinnacle of his skills throughout. The cast is equally brilliant, each actor somehow stealing each scene they're featured in without overshadowing their castmates. And since we're talking about quotable lines, you can find one in just about every minute of dialogue. Brilliant films require brilliant scripts, and this one is from William Goldman, which he adapted from his original novel.

This is one of those movies that will, in time, join the ranks of timeless classics such as Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, and The Shawshank Redemption, films that are rewatched from generation to generation and cherished like a beloved family heirloom.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die..."

Quotes, quotes, quotes, and more quotes! There is no limit to perfection!

Grandpa: That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia"—but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"!

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

Prince Humperdinck: Surrender.
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in Black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in Black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.

Miracle Max: Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Miracle Max: [sees Fezzik] You ARE the Brute Squad!

The Impressive Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... 

Miracle Max: Have fun stormin' da castle.
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.

Westley: We are men of action, lies do not become us.

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Miracle Max: The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.

Prince Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything.

Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate key.

Grandson: Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandpa: As you wish.

Most Quotable Movies #2 (tie): The Breakfast Club and Real Genius

Today's entries are a two-for-one offering of classic eighties movies, one of which just about everyone has seen (and rightly so), the second, one that a select few of you know about, but deserves just as much acclaim.

First the familiar offering, the seminal high school movie The Breakfast Club. This movie is so well-known it needs no summary or commentary. When I first saw it in the theater, I was blown away by how well the script captured the feeling of being a teen in the eighties. If anyone asked me what it was like to be a teenager back then, I'd just show them this movie. It's so quotable that during my freshman year of college (1986), a friend and I would sit around and recite entire scenes of dialogue. If that's not quotable, I don't know what is.

"Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

Too many lines to quote...here's the wrap-up:

Brian Johnson: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
Andrew Clark: ...and an athlete...
Allison Reynolds: ...and a basket case...
Claire Standish: ...a princess...
John Bender: ...and a criminal...
Brian Johnson: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

***

The lesser-known eighties movie that deserves equal acclaim is Real Genius. Starring Val Kilmer in one of his most appealing roles, the film centers on Mitch, a 15-year-old laser science prodigy who starts college at Pacific Tech under the guidance of Kilmer's Chris Knight. Chris is more interested in pranks and hijinx than he is studying, and he tries to help Mitch acclimate to the pressures of academic and social life in college.

The pair think they're doing research for its own sake, but after a breakthrough on a super-powered laser, they discover their professor (William Atherton (Die Hard, Ghostbusters), who plays assholes better than any other actor of his era) already has nefarious purposes in mind for their invention. Cleverly directed by Martha Coolidge and featuring a host of interesting supporting characters, this is a fun and spirited comedy that is full of memorable lines and unforgettable scenes.

Ten Quotable Lines

Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch: No...
Chris: Why am I the only one who has that dream?

Chris: So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.
Chris: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris: Not right now.
Chris: A girl's gotta have her standards.

Mitch: But if I stay, what should I do?
Chris: You get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.

Chris: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

Chris: Hey Kent... That's your car.
Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.

Chris: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Jordan: I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?

Mitch: Why is that toy on your head?
Chris: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

Jordan: Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?
Mitch: No.
Jordan: Why? Are you ashamed of me?
Mitch: No, them.
Jordan: Oh.

Chris: Jerry, if you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Professor Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris: Neither am I, Jerry.

Most Quotable Movies #3: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Of all the generational tragedies of our modern age, the fact that there are children and young adults running around our nation who have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is simply an abysmal failure of pop culture gatekeepers to properly educate our progeny. Don't confuse them with the dumpster fire that was Tim Burton's remake, featuring Johnny Depp's ridiculous performance. No, I'm talking about the one-and-only classic from 1971 starring Gene Wilder.

Wilder's performance is brilliant all-around. He's clearly insane and observably dangerous to the children and their parents touring his eponymous chocolate factory. His verbal wit is razor sharp, and his complete indifference to the consequences of these children and their atrocious behavior raises the stakes for the film with each and every turn.

This is Amy's (my wife) favorite movie of all-time, and we are lucky enough to be able to see the Broadway musical production of this story in Chicago in a couple of months. To call her "excited" is a gross understatement. We also saw the original movie on the big screen in Springfield a few years ago for our anniversary. Not a day goes by in which we don't quote one line or another from this film to each other. Take my advice kids: Watch this movie!

"She was a bad egg."

Ten (more) Quotable Lines from Willy Wonka:
"Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going."

"The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last."

"We are the music makers... and we are the dreamers of dreams."

"Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?"

"So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you."

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

"If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates."

"No, I won't hold you responsible."

"So shines a good deed in a weary world."

Most Quotable Movies #4: Die Hard

Die Hard is, IMHO, the greatest action movie of all time. It's also a Christmas movie (don't argue about it; it just is) as well as my fourth most quotable movie. I quote this film at least one or two times a day, and it never loses its luster for me. Die Hard not only made an action hero out of Bruce Willis and a movie star out of Alan Rickman, it completely redefined the action movie genre from the time of its release until today. Just about every scene in the movie has a quotable line in it.

This really is a film that deserves to be seen on a huge screen in a theater. I saw it in the big theater at the Esquire in St. Louis in 70mm, and the larger-than-life venue upped the ante on every beat of the film as it unfolded. I would love to see something like a 3D IMAX reissue of the original...I would be there faster than Dick Thornburgh could get the scoop on his competition.

"NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN...HO-HO-HO!"

Ten (more) Quotable Lines

John McClane: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs...

Supervisor: [as McClane tries to call up police] Attention, whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.

John McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Dwayne T. Robinson: This is Deputy Chief of Police, Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge of this situation.

John McClane: Oh, you're in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you *Dwayne*, from up here it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.

John McClane: Welcome to the party, pal!

Ginny: [Karl smashes a table of glasses in fury] God. That man looks *really* pissed.

Holly: He's still alive.

Ginny: What?

Holly: Only John can drive somebody that crazy.

Dwayne T. Robinson: We're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.

Hans Gruber: The circuits that cannot be cut are cut automatically in response to a terrorist incident. You asked for miracles, Theo, I give you the F.B.I.

Theo: [laughing as a LAPD SWAT armored vehicle is hit with a missile] Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!

John McClane: Happy trails, Hans!

Most Quotable Movies #5: Major League

The second of my baseball movies on this list, Major League may well be my favorite baseball movie of all time. I'm not saying it's the best in any regard, but it is so chock-full of great lines that you can use at any baseball game, it is perhaps the most versatile and entertaining of its genre.

On the surface, it's a throwaway comedy with a young, brash Charlie Sheen and speedy rookie Wesley Snipes teamed up with over-the-hill veterans Tom Berenger and Corbin Bernsen in an attempt by the owner to create a Cleveland Indians team so bad that she can break her lease with the city and move the team to Miami. This fictional ploy would be used to perfection in real life years later when PEnos S. Kroenke moved the Rams from St. Louis back to Los Angeles.

Every character shines in their own way here, but the two standouts are Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, a Cuban defector who practices voodoo, and the inimitable Bob Uecker, whose character is called Harry Doyle, but he's really playing himself after a night out drinking with Harry Carey. Doyle's in-game commentary will keep you in stitches until the very end.

Ten Memorable Quotes:
"You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

"One hit,that's all we got, one goddamn hit?"

"Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again."

"I'm pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now. I say 'Fuck you Jobu,' I do it myself."

"Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater."

"You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit."

"Juuuuuuust a bit outside, he tried the corner and missed."

"This guy threw at his own son in a father-son game."

"Haywood swings and crushes this one toward South America. Tomlinson is gonna need a Visa to catch this one, it is out of here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail."

 "Hats for bats, keep bats warm...gracias."

Most Quotable Movies #6: Airplane!

This is another one of those classic comedies that should be required viewing for anyone born later than 1990. A masterful parody of the airline disaster films of the 1970s, Airplane! packs more one-liners, sight gags, absurdities, and just plain insanity than any other film of its kind. The product of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker team, this 1980 release is as hilarious today as it ever was.

Part of the fun of the movie is seeing classic dramatic actors who made their careers in the sixties and seventies spoofing their own serious personas. Actors such as Lloyd Bridges, Peter Graves, Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack, and Barbara Billingsley play their characters straight and serious, but their lines and actions are completely absurd. This juxtaposition of expectation and actuality is mined continuously for comedic gold.

Like Ghostbusters (#9 on my list), the entire screenplay of Airplane! is eminently quotable. Best of all for me, my mother-in-law is named "Shirley," so the running gag throughout the film of, "Surely you can't be serious," followed each time by, "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley" is twice as much fun during family gatherings. Only listing the quotes doesn't do this movie justice...watch it if you've never seen it, and watch it again if you have...it's still as funny as the first time.

Ten Quotable Lines:

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Elaine: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.

Controller: Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.

Older Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Shirley: I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.

McCroskey: [to Mrs. Oveur] Now your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny: Just like Gerald Ford.

Most Quotable Movies #7: Bull Durham

Baseball movies are great for memorable quotes, and this is the first of two on this Top Ten list. I could have also included A League of Their Own or The Sandlot, but they didn't quite make it to The Show for this list. Bull Durham is a terrific movie in its own right, a perfect combination of young brashness meets old wisdom with lots of sex, romance, and humor.

Written and directed by Ron Shelton, who played minor league baseball in his youth, the starring trio of Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins bring the story to life in a way that is memorable and relatable to anyone who has spent their life chasing a dream. We see in this film that while some may achieve that goal, others have to find different dreams along the way.

Ten Quotable Lines:
"Well, I believe in the soul, ...the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

"The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness."

"It's a long season and you gotta trust it. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball."

"You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry? (Larry: Lollygaggers!) Lollygaggers."

"Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."

"Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?"

"Honey, we all deserve to wear white."

"Come on, Rook. Show us that million-dollar arm, 'cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours."

"You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club."

"This... is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. You got it?"

Most Quotable Movies #8: Goodfellas

I know that purists insist that either of the first two Godfather films is the greatest gangster movie of all time, but for my money, that distinction goes to Martin Scorsese's masterpiece of criminality, Goodfellas. Stellar performances from Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, and Joe Pesci make this film eminently rewatchable and infinitely quotable.

The first thirty minutes of this movie comprise the most dynamic opening to any movie I've ever seen. The three-minute continuous tracking shot of Henry and Karen arriving at the Copacabana for a date is by itself a master class in filmmaking. Thanks to a script by Nicholas Pileggi, this movie will keep you quoting the most memorable lines for years to come, especially from this brilliant scene:

Ten Most Quotable Lines:
"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."
"One day some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect."
"Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."
"Whenever we needed money, we'd rob the airport. To us, it was better than Citibank."
"If we wanted something, we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again."
"I’m funny how?  Funny, like, I’m a clown?  I amuse you?"
"Oh, all right..."
"Pay me my money!"
"Thirty-two hundred dollars he gave me. Thirty-two hundred dollars for a lifetime. It wasn't even enough to pay for the coffin."
"I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."

Most Quotable Movies #9: Ghostbusters

I have discovered that there is an entire generation of kids under 20 who have never seen Ghostbusters. This is some sort of global travesty. This is like kids having never seen The Wizard of Oz or Cinderella. We literally cannot have a conversation about American pop culture if you've never seen this movie.

It's simply one of the funniest and most quotable movies of all time. You get to watch a whole cast of comic geniuses (and equally successful dramatic foils) at the absolute top of their game. Okay, I looked it up, kids...Ghostbusters is on Netflix. Just stop reading right now and go watch it, okay. Yeah, it's that movie they're watching in Zombieland just before Columbus shoots the old guy pretending to be a zombie (Lord, give me strength...).

Ten Most Quotable Lines:
"He slimed me."
"We came! We saw! We kicked its ass!"
"I've quit better jobs than this."
"There is no Dana. Only Zuul."
"Yes, it's true...this man has no dick."
"Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria!"
"There's something you don't see every day."
"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say yes!"
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown."
"Boy, the superintendent is going to be pissed."

Most Quotable Movies #10: "The Big Lebowski"

I'm nothing if not one to jump on an appealing bandwagon, so I'm joining in with Bridgett Burk's latest Blog Club list of the Ten Most Quotable Movies. My primary criteria is that each of these movies contains quotes that my closest friends and I use on a regular basis, either in person or in handy meme/GIF form. Bringing our list in at #10 is the Coen Brothers' 1998 classic comedy, The Big Lebowski.

This entire script is quotable, as the story is filled with memorable characters. It's brilliantly written, acted, and directed, and the film has been so influential that it's spawned its own pseudo-religion known as "Dudism." I suppose if you're looking for direction and meaning in your life, you could do a lot worse than Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski.

Ten Favorite Quotes:
"Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man."
"Shut the fuck up, Donny!"
"That rug really tied the room together."
"Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules?!"
"You are entering a world of pain."
"Hey, careful man, there's a beverage here!"
"Sooner or later you are going to have to face the fact that you’re a moron."
"You don't have to be afraid of them. They're nihilists; they don't believe in anything."
"I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening."
"The Dude abides." 

Songs About Love That I Love

Bridgett Burk and Jeff South have already posted their antidote blogs to the 20-day poisoning of our "Songs I Hate" Blog Club project, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon with five songs of my own. The tack I'm taking starts with a story, as I'm a writer and a teacher, and I usually think of my life in terms of the metaphor of storytelling.

In this story, my former wife and I began our first tenuous steps toward reconciliation (and later, reunion) without intention or expectation. We were already parents of six kids together, so we knew that at the very least, we wanted to be friends again. It didn't take long, however, to discover that the love shared over 20-plus years of marriage runs deep, and sooner than either of us expected, we were falling in love with each other again.

One night, after telling her goodnight and floating back to my car, I turned on the radio for the drive home and "Amazed" by the country band Lonestar came on the local miscellaneous pop station. I had sung this song to Amy in karaoke performances years ago, and listening to it again tapped into a deep wellspring of happy memories.

By the time I got home, I already had plans for a Spotify playlist. Late into that same night, the list had taken shape with about 30 songs. Now standing at 55 songs with a runtime of 3 hours and 40 minutes, my "Restoration" playlist is usually on at my computer or on my phone through my car stereo on a daily basis.

So to wrap up this month of songs we hate with an antidote of love and happiness, I give you my five essential songs from my soundtrack of second chances:

"Crazy for You" by Madonna
Far and away the best song of Madonna's entire career for my money, this romantic ballad was featured in the soundtrack of the wrestling drama Vision Quest. A huge hit in the eighties, I still consider it perhaps the best slow-dance song of the decade.

"Get Here" by Oleta Adams
This magnificent vocalist was featured on the Tears for Fears album The Seeds of Love, which gave Ms. Adams the fame and acclaim she so obviously deserves. I love the sentiment in the lyrics, "I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can."

"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
Perhaps the most beautiful and strange love song I've ever heard, this gem was gifted to me by Steve Lewis in a mix CD titled Welcome to the 21st Century. It was a response to my assertion that I didn't like any music made after the year 2000. Most of the tracks on that CD are now some of my favorites, and this is one of the top three (in case you're curious, the other two are "Common People" by William Shatner and "Simple Song" by The Shins).

"High" by The Cure
When I met Amy in 1995, the Cure's album Wish was already one of my favorites. "High" is the second track on the album, and I've always thought of Amy whenever I listen to this song. The melody is so joyful, and lyrics like "And when I see you / Take the same sweet steps / You used to take / I know I'll keep on holding you / My arms so tight / I'll never let you / Go" perfectly describe how I feel.

"Weekend in New England" by Barry Manilow
It's not a romantic playlist without Barry Manilow, and this is hands down, for me, the greatest song of his career. It's meant to be sung at top volume like your very heart depends on it. Try it out and see if you can keep from grinning!

Thanks to all of you who followed us through this musical minefield this month. We've been discussing some ideas for our next Blog Club project, and I can promise that whatever we decide, it's going to be uplifting!

Most Hated Songs #1: "I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

At last, the gold medal in the Kill Me Right Now category goes to my #1 most-hated song of all time, "I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Bridgett had this as her #10, and my sole comment was, "Too low." I never had any doubt when putting together this list that this song would be at the top. I've hated it since junior high.

I disliked it when I first heard it, but like so many of these songs on my list, it was played to death by my town's sole FM rock station. Today's kids don't understand how limited entertainment was just 40 years ago. This song was what used to be called "maximum rotation," which seemed to me to mean that it was played 4-5 times an hour.

Musically, it's moronically simple. Vocally, it varies between chanting and shouting. Lyrically, it has all the depth of a cheap greeting card. I've been subjected to this song about a million times like some kind of musical karma punishment. Given the opportunity, this is what I would to do every copy of this song in existence:

I'd rather...listen to all the songs on my list #2-#20 as a Spotify playlist on an infinite loop than ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: solitary confinement in a soundproof room where no music is ever played, for eternity

Listen instead to: "Misery Business" by Paramore, a far better example of a diminutive yet powerful female vocalist—Hayley Williams—fronting a rock band.

Most Hated Songs #2: "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger

The silver medal of shame in the Kill Me Right Now category goes to my #2 most-hated song, "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger. This song was featured in Tom Cruise's "dancing in his underwear" scene in the vastly overrated eighties movie Risky Business (seriously, watch it, it's not that good at all), and since that day, this song has been a ubiquitous selection at every dance party occasion in the English-speaking world.

I'm not even kidding about this. Maybe it's different today for young people, since all they seem to want to listen to is someone mumbling over an arrhythmic computer beat (or maybe it's static—who cares?), but for anyone born before 1990, I'd bet you a crisp, American $1 bill that at some point at your prom, class reunion, wedding reception, pub crawl, or any other public gathering, this worthless piece of crap is going to get played.

It's only redeeming quality is the seven-note intro riff, played twice, that serves as my early-warning signal to leave the dance, change the radio station, or shuffle off this mortal coil. I'm not much of a Bob Seger fan to start with, and the fact that he's sold off a good portion of his catalog to American advertising means his generic, Midwestern blues-rock comes on every commercial break, especially during football season. Way to stick it to the man, Bob!

This song is a cold, calculated, crowd-manipulating sing-along that appeals to the lowest common denominator across the board. Singing about how awesome rock and roll is goes back to the origin of the genre, and it's always been the laziest way to write a song. "The song I'm singing is awesome! This music is rock, and it rocks!" Shut the fork up and do something creative, you idiot.

We should also take note that this Blog Club project has exposed the fact that Tom Cruise's movies are a breeding ground for hate-inducing craptastic songs. I generally enjoy Cruise's movies as well as his work in them (I ignore the dumpster fire that is his personal life and "spiritual (?)" beliefs), but we should all go in to his new films with trepidation about what travesty lurks within the soundtrack.

I'd rather...live in Detroit than listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: An eternity spent living in Detroit.

Listen instead to: If you want to hear what American rock & roll is supposed to sound like, here's one of my favorites from the late, great Tom Petty (along with the Heartbreakers, of course!).

Most Hated Songs #3: "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin

Don't even start with me. Just don't.

Winning the bronze medal in the Kill Me Right Now category of my most-hated songs is #3, "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Now, just stop typing. I don't need to hear one more time about how great they are as a band. Yes, they are great. Hall of Fame Pantheon caliber, in the same breath with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. I get it. I don't need to hear about it one more time.

Just because they're great doesn't mean I can't still hate this song.

Despite all the social acceptability that weed has gained in the past decade, one fact remains: stoners are freaking annoying as hell. They just sit around with their eyes half open, laughing at nothing at all, responding to any and all questions with, "What?" I partied hard in high school, and if you wanted to drink, you hung out with stoners, because booze and weed always went together.

So I was at a party at some stoner's house, and evidently either he or one of his minions had exclusive control of the tape deck, and it was side one of Led Zeppelin 4...FOR FOUR FREAKING HOURS!!! If you're keeping track, it goes like this: 1) Black Dog; 2) Rock and Roll; 3) The Battle of Evermore; 4) Stairway to Heaven. Over. And over. And over...and over again... "Rock and Roll" is at least tolerable; I honestly don't remember a single note of "Evermore," and unlike most people who are sick of "Stairway to Heaven," I don't mind it as long as I only hear it about once a year.

But "Black Dog"...I hate Robert Plant's whiny acapella shrieking of every verse, followed by that pot-hazed guitar/bass riff that follows in some weird time signature that only makes sense if you're high AF. There's not one thing about this song that I don't hate. And again, let me make it clear...this is NOT an invitation for you to correct my misunderstanding of the genius of LZ. I hate this song, I never, ever, ever want to hear even one note of it played ever again, and no one I know has enough cash to pay me to even consider changing my mind.

I'd rather...listen to Mike Tucker's dissertation about Led Zep's greatness for a million years as long as it means I never have to listen to "Black Dog" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Nine: Nickelback's opening band

Listen instead to: the one LZ song I actually like, "Immigrant Song," although I owe this more to the movies "School of Rock" and "Thor: Ragnorok" than the song itself.

Most Hated Songs #4: "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and New Bohemians

Continuing with the songs that make me what to say Kill Me Right Now, we reach #4, "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and New Bohemians. I hate this song so much it turns me into a twitching, stuttering, apoplectic mess. An inexplicable hit in the late eighties, it was so bad that Brickell and her stupid hippie band never saw the charts again. She later hooked up with Paul Simon and then disappeared into thankful obscurity.

Meanwhile, we're left with the musical equivalent of a drive-by shooting. Her voice is annoying from the get-go; the nonsense lyrics are both stupid and irritating, and the music is that craptastic hippie folk-rock garbage that, in a perfect world, would get white people wearing dreadlocks arrested and deported to a country where bathing and shaving are unknown customs.

I really don't have the proper words to describe just how much I hate this song. It makes me want to plug my ears with cement. It causes me to lose the will to live. It makes me want to find a farmer's market and start punching hippies at random.

In college, I revealed the depth of my hate for this song to my friends during dinner at the dorms one night. I had a short temper back then and would explode in fits of rage that involved red-faced screaming and waving my arms in the air because I obviously cared. My friends, of course, found this tremendously entertaining and would poke me incessantly to get me to blow my top. (Spoiler: it wasn't that much of a challenge.)

In sympathy and commiseration for my hatred for this song, Bill "Ditto" Williams and "Super" Dave Rainwater called my phone, which upon answering, featured them playing this song for me and laughing hysterically. They did this until I took my phone off the hook. I'm planning my revenge upon them in the same way that Khan planned his vengeance on Captain Kirk.

I'd rather: clean all the porta-potties at one of those Grateful Dead tribute concert festivals—you know the ones where none of the goddamn bands can play a single frickin' instrument—for a hundred thousand years than ever listen to that ghastly long again.

Dante's Inferno Level Eight: Jerry Garcia's geisha

Listen instead to: Folk-rock done right by Michael McDermott in his debut single, "A Wall I Must Climb" (audio only). I fell in love with his first album, "620 W. Surf" in 1991 and got to see him play live at The Blue Note in Columbia, MO. I thought he was going to be the next Bob Dylan...what happened? Check out this article if you're curious...it's a good read!

Most Hated Songs #5: "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys

Now that we've reached the pinnacle of hatred, we cross the line into the final category, Kill Me Right Now, in which given the option between a) listening to any of these songs or b) the sweet, cold hand of death, I'm shuffling off this mortal coil. Our first guide into the darkest recesses of musical torture is my #5 most-hated song, "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys.

This ridiculous, idiotic bit of musical atrocity is a dark stain on the otherwise stellar career of a legendary group. It's so bad, they should get an asterisk on their display at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for it. It's Willie Mays playing for the New York Mets bad. It's Joe Namath with the L.A. Rams awful. It's humiliating, embarrassing, and inexcusable.

This wretched rubbish is featured on the soundtrack of an equally atrocious movie, "Cocktail," in which Tom Cruise mixes drinks like a douchebag and cheats on Elizabeth Shue for no good reason. It's one of the worst movies ever as well as in my top five most hated movies, so I guess we could call this a synergy of hate.

This song has no redeeming qualities. Well, that's not entirely true...Wikipedia reveals three: 1) Brian Wilson had nothing to do with this song; 2) It lost at the Grammys to "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins, another awful song; 3) It lost at the Golden Globes to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon, which is also a giant stinkeroo for an otherwise remarkable artist. "Kokomo" has the power to actually drain hope away from a human life. Of course, eighties radio plays it on maximum rotation, because the universe is cruel and remorseless.

I'd rather: be forced to watch Tom Cruise's worst movie ever, "Vanilla Sky," on a permanent, endless loop than ever listen to "Kokomo" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Eight: staked to a beach in the Caribbean under the summer sun with no sunscreen or water, forever. Oh, and sand lice...lots and lots of sand lice.

Listen instead to: this cover of the Beach Boys classic "Don't Worry, Baby" with instruments and backing vocals by my friend Jerry Foster and lead vocals by his talented daughter, Jessica. (music only; no video)

Most Hated Songs #6: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynryd

At the top of the Rock and Roll Hell category is my most-hated song #6, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynryd Skynyrd. This song is the Redneck National Anthem and the pinnacle of hillbilly rock music. It gets played at least once an hour on classic rock stations, and it is guaranteed to be included on the soundtrack of any movie set in the American south.

I've lived in southeast Missouri all my life, which is a strange place geographically. It's not technically "The South," but it has a lot of the elements you would expect. At the same time, I was raised by a mother from St. Louis via Nebraska, so I've always had a Yankee mentality. Having said that, just about everything Southern Rock celebrates about the South is repugnant to me, so I not only hate this song, I hate the entire genre and the hillbilly culture it represents.

I'd rather: break up a bar fight between Alabama and Auburn fans the night before the Iron Bowl than ever have to listen to this song again (although practically speaking, it's what's playing at the bar during the fight).

Dante's Inferno Level Seven: eternity running a hot dog cart in the Bronx for these good ole southern boys.

Listen instead to: Third Day, contemporary Christian music's answer to southern rock.

Most Hated Songs #7: "More Than A Feeling" by Boston

We continue our descent into madness that is Rock and Roll Hell with my #7 most hated song, "More Than a Feeling" by Boston. I don't even want to post this because I know that every south St. Louis hoosier with a mullet and an eight-track player in his Camaro is going to be out for blood, but at this point, I'm in too deep to back away now.

Boston is one of those bands where I have to recognize the technical virtuosity of the musicianship but still say, "I just can't stand to listen to it." All their songs sound exactly the same to me, so this one is just a placeholder for all their stuff. And it's worthy as representative because it is the foundational mainstay of every classic rock station in America.

I would bet cash money that this song gets played every day on every classic rock station in existence. I know I hear it practically every time I switch stations on the radio. It's all so familiar—the guitar licks, the ultra-high chorus, the guitar solo. It's also a staple of every teenage movie set in the 1970s...its inclusion is an inevitability, and it almost ruins the movie for me every time I hear it.

I'll give the devil his due...it's objectively a good song by musicians who know what they're doing. Subjectively, I freaking hate this song and never want to hear it played again. I already know that no one else in Blog Club or Facebook will agree with this assessment, so...FLAME ON! This time, I probably deserve it.

I'd rather...incur the wrath of friends and Facebook readers in the form of 1,000 years of angry posts telling me what an idiot I am than have to endure listening to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Seven: Everyone involved in this song lives for eternity as freshman in a new high school in 1976. Plaid bell bottoms and a brown shirt with a butterfly collar are all they own to wear. And their mom drops them off in front of the school in her station wagon every day.

Listen instead to: the song that inspired one of the greatest SNL skits of all time, "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. (I've got a fever...and the only cure is...MORE COWBELL!)