Most Hated Songs #9: "Cherry Pie" by Warrant

I can feel the rage rising up in my chest like a bile-filled belch as I continue through the cesspool that is Rock and Roll Hell with my #9 pick for most-hated song, "Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Another of the generic, pretty-boy hair-metal bands that spread like chlamydia in the late eighties and early nineties, this was one of the very worst of the bunch, and this song is testament to their wretchedness.

This song is about having sex. Many great songs are about the thrill of passion, the joy of lovemaking, the sensuality of physical intimacy...this is definitely (or maybe this time I actually do mean "defiantly") not one of those songs. This song is the musical equivalent of sexual harassment. It's as subtle as a dick pic and as sexy as a fart in the shower.

The lyrics read like they were written by a junior high boy who has just discovered his dad's Playboy collection. (Yeah, I know, but this is from 1990 and Internet porn wasn't a thing yet...just go along with it.) The whole thing is, quite literally, shouted at the listener by this ridiculous excuse for a band (three chords doesn't make you a musician, dude. Chimps can play at least five chords for a banana).

If that wasn't bad enough, the video and the 45 single cover (that was a thing) for the song features a buxom young waitress with a slice of cherry pie placed...well, exactly where you think it would be. Of course, this being America, where stupid and sexist is a career booster, this song charted in the Top Ten and allowed Warrant their 15 minutes of allotted fame. There is nothing good about this song. I feel like I need to take a shower after talking about it.

I'd rather...play "Rochambeau" with Robert Smith (and let him go first every time) until the end of time than to ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Six: The band has to spend eternity listening to Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Andrea Dworkin, and Naomi Wolf lecturing about the importance of feminism. Also, they're bound and gagged so they can't say anything or try to leave.

Listen instead to: "When It's Love" by Van Halen, a song that proves that you can rock out and still be a romantic at heart...and when it's all said and done, isn't love the most important thing of all?

Most Hated Songs #10: "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" by Glass Tiger

The hate increases exponentially as we breach the top ten. We also start a new category, Rock and Roll Hell, where the songs are staples of the worst radio format ever invented, "Classic Rock." It's not that I hate rock music; nothing could be further from the truth. But I absolutely despise classic rock format stations because they play the same songs from the same 10-12 bands.

Batting lead-off for my top ten is my #10 most-hated song, "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" by Glass Tiger. I know that Nickleback gets most of the derision among Canadian rock bands, but where is the hate for these eighties-era schlockmeisters? This song is beyond terrible, and I've hated it since the first time I heard it.

It's a mid-tempo rocker with a horn section that makes everything worse. The lyrics are insipid, which pairs well with the lead singer's whiny voice. I'm still not sure why this song didn't start a trade war with Canada to prevent imports like these from slipping across our northern border. This song always makes me want to puke, and when it comes on (and it always does...it's in permanent rotation on the radio), I can't change the station fast enough.

I'd rather...gather moose manure from a Canadian forest in the dead of winter than ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Five: Being mauled by a real tiger.

Listen instead to: the only Canadian rock band that matters...Rush!

Most Hated Songs #11: "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex

At the top of the Weasel Goes the Pop category is this insanity-producing tune from the bowels of the satanic inferno, "Cotton Eye Joe" by the aptly named group Rednex. This bit of musical terrorism has everything that anyone could hate about a wretched song.

First, it has moronic lyrics chanted incessantly in a nasal hillbilly drawl that makes me think General Sherman didn't get quite tough enough on the South back in the day. Second, it has a variety of bluegrass instruments played at warp speed as if a group of rural meth-heads decided to start a band. Third, it's a virulent earworm that will not leave your brain until you've sacrificed about a million functioning neurons.

Finally, for some bizarro-world reason that I cannot comprehend, this song is played constantly at a wide variety of public events, most recently professional sporting events. I heard it a few weeks ago at a minor league baseball game and started to pray that I would get hit in the head with a foul ball to put me out of my misery.

I cannot understand why anyone would like this song. It's so terrible it makes me doubt the future of the human race that people choose to listen to it. The next ten songs I hate worse than this one, although at this moment, that hardly seems possible. I want this song erased from existence.

I'd rather...teach creation "science" at an evangelical parochial school in the Deep South than have to ever hear this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Five: Repeatedly beaten to death with a banjo, revived, then beaten to death with a fiddle, revived, beaten to death with a washboard, revived, etc.

Listen instead to: If you have to have a catchy country tune, "No News" by Lonestar is one of the best of its kind available.

Most Hated Songs #12: "Watch Me" by Silento

It's getting worse with each new entry in Weasel Goes the Pop, and today I'm inflicting on the blogosphere my #12 most hated song, "Watch Me" by Silento, or as it's better-known to the entire "Good God, this DJ freaking sucks" dance party world, the "Whip and Nae-Nae" song.

This has to be the only song written by a toddler. "Watch me! Watch me! Hey, watch me! Watch me now! Watch me!" I'm going to watch you sit in time-out if you don't be quiet! Not only is the song beyond bad, it's purpose is to have people do some kind of dance that evidently is supposed to approximate some mild form of seizure.

Look, I've been to enough dances to know there's an expectation about certain group activities. I already know if it's all adults, we're getting Billy Idol's "Mony, Mony" (hence it's inclusion at #20), and if it's a wedding reception in the Midwest, you better believe we're doing the Hokey Pokey and the Chicken Dance. It's gonna happen. And if the party's jumping, and you're with the right people, even these old chestnuts can be fun.

But this "Whip and Nae-Nae" meets none of these criteria. The song itself is atrocious, there's no strong dance beat to speak of (diss disco if you wish, but at least it always had a beat), the "music" sounds like it was stolen from an old Nintendo game, the kid's voice sounds like he's begging for candy at Walmart, and the lyrics...well, I would hate to be overly critical of the creative potential of precocious toddlers, because I think I've known a few who could do better than this.

I'd rather...do the Macarena until my arms and legs are crippled with repetitive stress injury than listen to "Watch Me" or ever have to attempt its alleged "dance moves" again.

Dante's Inferno Level Four: Those responsible for this song are forced to choreograph a complex ten-minute dance routine to a room filled with hungry, angry, sleepy toddlers. No one gets to sit down until each child nails his or her part.

Listen instead to: The grandmama of all dance party group activities, "Electric Slide" by Marcia Griffiths.

Most Hated Songs #13: "Work" by Rihanna

Continuing with the category Weasel Goes the Pop, we come to #13 on my list of most hated songs: "Work" by Rihanna. I don't think Rihanna is really all that spectacular, but she seems to be doing well for herself. I've accepted long ago that pop music has passed me by for a new generation, but music is music and should follow some basic patterns. One of those rules that should be followed is that you don't repeat the same word 47 million times in the lyrics of a song.

That's basically the whole thing here; Rihanna "sings" the word "work" over and over again. It's boring and dumb. Plus, she really nails this thing with music today where the vocalists refuse to enunciate the sounds of words. Consonants are mush-mouth mumbled so that the lines sound like one big vowel movement. I can't understand a bloody word this woman is saying.

To make matters worse, this song features another rapper called "Drake" (no one in music has a last name anymore, I suppose), whose ouvre also consists of speaking lyrics in a style that calls for the "singer" to move his jaw, lips, and tongue as little as possible. Seriously, guys, go listen to Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis or Barry Manilow and learn how the English language is supposed to sound when it's sung as lyrics. Enunciate your words, for God's sake!

I considered an equally repetitive and hated song of hers, "Umbrella," which suffers from similar badness, but this one is more annoying by order of magnitude. The song also suffers from what I hate most about modern pop music—a complete lack of musical instruments. Like so many songs, it's just her singing over a computerized beat. As I keep telling my youngest daughter, a computer is not a musical instrument. Music is made by people playing instruments that they know how to play. Mumbling over Preset Beat #3 doesn't make you good or interesting. However, it does, evidently, make some people millionaires.

I'd rather...work work work work work work work work work work work work outside in the southeast Missouri summer heat and humidity until the sun explodes than listen to this wretched song.

Dante's Inferno Level Four: Everyone involved with this song is forced to perform live with real musical instruments they don't know how to play. The audience is armed with projectiles to hurl at them when they screw up. After about a million years of this, they might end up with a decent band.

Listen instead to: what happens when Rihanna enunciates her words with the help of a real band playing instruments..."Love on the Brain." See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Most Hated Songs #14: "Believe" by Cher

Continuing with the category Weasel Goes the Pop, we encounter my Most Hated Song #14, "Believe" by Cher. Now, I have nothing against Cher. I loved her back in the seventies with then-husband Sonny Bono on the "Sonny and Cher" variety show. "Moonstruck" is still one of my favorite romantic comedies, and her work as an actress is admirable. She's an icon in the LGBTQ community and one of their most outspoken supporters.

Having said all that, this song is excrement and does a great disservice to her career. The most depressing feature of the song is how badly they auto-tune her voice, to the point that the song sounds like they programmed a computer with phonetic samples of Cher's voice and output them on a voice synthesizer. Cher can sing just fine; she doesn't need auto-tune.

Next is the stupid, repetitive disco beat, which should have been killed off like a vampire in 1982 but keeps coming back again and again like that unwanted friend from high school who keeps sending you Facebook friend requests. I do the same thing with this song that I do with the FB pest...I delete it. You should too.

I'd rather...audition on live TV for "Dancing With the Stars" with Rosanne Barr as my partner than listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level Three: Everyone responsible for darkening Cher's reputation with this stinker should spend eternity cleaning the dance floor of Studio 54 circa 1978 with their tongues.

Listen instead to: Anything from the seventies is preferable, but "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" has always been one of my favorites.

Most Hated Songs #15: "Red, Red Wine" by UB40

Starting off my second category of awfulness, Weasel Goes the Pop, is the wretched pile of dog crap at #15 of my most hated songs, "Red, Red Wine" by UB40. For reasons that defy explanation, there was a period in the 1980s when white British bands decided to play reggae music. I'm still at a loss for why the ghost of Bob Marley did not rise from the grave like an avenging spirit in ancient days, but I guess the ganja in music heaven is too dank to worry about this mortal coil.

Most of this white-bread reggae-tinged music is utter crapola, but this is the pinnacle of awfulness. The beat is as slow and exhausting as a hot, humid summer day, and the lead singer's voice is so whiny and annoying you wish there were a way to reach through the stereo and punch him in the throat so he will never bleat another sound again.

To make things even worse, there's a reggae RAP at the end of the song. I shit you not. If you've never heard this song before, listen if you dare, but be forewarned...it's one of the most awful things you'll ever subject your ears to. It's almost as if the record producer told the band, "This is the worst piece of shit I've ever heard...betcha can't make it worse," and the lead singer said, "Hold my beer."

I'd rather...swim from Cuba to Jamaica covered in shark chum than to ever hear even one note of this terrible excuse for music.

Dante's Inferno Level Three: Every person involved in any way with this song is forced to spend eternity cleaning toilets and outhouses in Jamaica in the hottest part of the summer.

Listen instead to: A genuine, original reggae-inspired band that deserves much more credit than they get for a unique, innovative sound—Fishbone. I saw them live twice in Columbia when I was in grad school...still two of the best concerts I've ever attended. Enjoy!