Thursday, July 5, 2018

Most Hated Songs #16: "What's Up?" by Four Non-Blondes

Rounding out the category of Overplayed to Death is my #16 most hated song, "What's Up?" by Four Non-Blondes. I hate everything about this song. I hate the melody. I hate the lyrics. I hate the chorus. I hate the sound of the singer's voice. I hate her stupid-ass white-girl dreadlocks. As far as I know, this is the only song by this group that ever charted, but it's one song too many.

Everything about this song is irritating, especially the fact that the chorus asks, ad nauseum, "What's going on?" but the song is titled "What's Up?" I can only assume that this was done so that people wouldn't confuse this pile of rubbish with Marvin Gaye's classic "What's Going On," but upon listening, there was no chance of that ever happening.

Inexplicably, this wretched song continues to get radio airplay on a variety of genres. You know how some songs from the past come on the radio, and you get happy because you like the song but haven't heard it in quite a while? Yeah, "What's Up?" is the exact opposite; I remember how much I hate this song and wish that it would never get played again...ever.

I'd rather...re-live any one of the days during the interminable period when Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" was #1 on MTV's daily request show forever, like some scuzz-ball version of "Groundhog Day," than to ever listen to this song again.

Dante's Inferno Level Two: Everyone involved on this song spends eternity as roadies for Tiffany on a shopping mall performance tour of recession-torn Rust Belt states.

Listen instead to: Nothing by this group, but for a marvelous version of what FNB's singer was likely trying to imitate, listen to "Joey" by Concrete Blonde.


Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Most Hated Songs #17: "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler

Under the category of Overplayed to Death is my #17 Most Hated Song, "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler. It's the go-to song for anyone who wants to dedicate good feelings to someone who's done something meaningful for them, and as a result, it's been played a million times on radio, television shows, and the wretched movie it comes from, "Beaches."

Midler is a powerful singer, of that there is no debate. This song, however, is maudlin and treacly, trading in both lyrical and musical cliches manipulatively designed to elicit maximum emotion. The only emotion it elicits from me is disgust and an overwhelming desire to change the station.

I'd rather...be stuck watching "American Idol" bad audition outtakes as the only entertainment option available to me than to listen to this song one more time.

Dante's Inferno Level One: Those responsible for the song should be stuck on an endless blind date with "Beaches" star Barbara Hershey's character from "Hoosiers."

Listen instead to: The definitive Bette Midler ballad, "The Rose."


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Most Hated Songs #18: "The Look" by Roxette

At #18 in my list of most-hated songs, still in the category of Overplayed to Death, is Roxette's ubiquitous #1 hit from 1989, "The Look." My musical tastes are pretty vanilla, and I'm a sucker for catchy Euro-synth pop (a-ha, anyone?), and the truth is, I like most of Roxette's stuff that was played on the radio in their heyday, but Jesus, I hate this freaking song.

You know how some people (Amy) just hate cilantro? It's something hard-wired into their taste buds. My hatred for this song goes back to the first time I heard that twangy opening riff. I didn't like it at all upon first listening, and once the rapid-fire verse chant started, my hate only grew. Once the screaming chorus of inane call-and-response ("She's got the look SHE'S GOT THE LOOK!") started, I turned off the radio and thought, "I'll never listen to that crap again."

Wrong. The song went to #1 and was on the radio all the time. To make matters worse, all my friends (esp. roommates Wags and Queso) loved the song and listened to it at full volume at every opportunity. Usually this will put me off a group for good, but strangely enough, I like most of Roxette's other songs, especially the ballads "It Must Have Been Love" and "Listen to Your Heart." Ugh, but this one...turn it off!

I'd rather...have to scoop the litter boxes out for all the crazy cat ladies in New York City for a thousand years than to have to listen to this song even one more time!

Dante's Inferno Level: Purgatory—Those responsible for this atrocious assault on my auditory senses should be condemned to an eternity of country line dancing to a bad Slim Whitman tribute band whose instruments are all out of tune.

Listen instead to: If you like up-tempo Roxette tunes, "Dressed for Success" is my favorite...it's catchy and infectious in a good, "hum a happy tune" way, instead of "The Look"'s "infectious like genital warts" way.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Most Hated Songs #19: "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood

Coming in at #19 of my most hated songs (in the category Overplayed to Death) is "Bad the the Bone" by George Thorogood. This is one of those songs that you recognize immediately by its iconic introduction. I like that. It gives me time to change the radio station before the song really gets into high gear. I could have included any of his songs on my list because I'm really not a fan of the blues at all (sue me), and I hate all of Thorogood's songs, but this is the one that's used in about 1,000 different movies to indicate that something is either "Bad to the Bone" or ironically not "bad" at all, but we're supposed to laugh at the juxtaposition between this awful song and some nerdy guy. Whatever. Even thinking about this song irritates me.

I'd rather...have to sweep and mop every club on Beale St. the day after Memphis in May concludes than to listen to this song ever again.

Dante's Inferno Level—Limbo: An eternity spent in a dentist's chair waiting for a root canal for an abcessed tooth.

Listen instead to: "Elvis is Everywhere" by Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Most Hated Songs #20—"Mony, Mony" by BIlly Idol

Looks like I'm the last entry in the blog club for our kickoff, so let me set a few ground rules of my own. I'm working with four broad categories for my songs in groups of five. I'll be explaining why I hate the song, what I'd rather do instead of listen to that song, the level of Dante's Inferno those responsible for the song should have to endure, then a friendly suggestion as an alternative, either from that artist or a similar song in terms of style and genre. 

Unlike the sturm und drang that Jeff and Steve have experienced in putting this list together, I have a long and inglorious history with hating things and ranting about them ad nauseum. In this case, I'm embracing the dark side of music history as a cathartic exercise. With any luck, I'll never have to listen to any of these songs ever again, or at the very least, be able to turn off the radio or leave the venue with all due haste.

Category: Overplayed to Death—these songs may have some redeeming qualities in and of themselves, but to my ears, they've been played and overplayed so much that I would be quite content to live another 100 years and never hear them again.

#20—"Mony, Mony" by Billy Idol
An original classic by Tommy James & The Shondells, I enjoyed Idol's cover version for about the first 10,000 times I heard it. But you can only go to so many proms, wedding receptions, and office Christmas parties until the juvenile, asinine locker-room sing-along becomes completely off-putting. This song has become even more cliched than the Chicken Dance, the Hokey-Pokey, and the Electric Slide combined. Any couple who insists on having this song on their wedding reception playlist should have their marriage immediately annulled.

I'd rather...have to scrub out the inside of Billy Idol's leather concert outfit with my only toothbrush than to have to listen to this song even one more time.


Dante's Inferno Level: Limbo—Those responsible for this audio atrocity should have to wait in line for eternity in a DMV office playing Tiffany's remake of Tommy James's "I Think We're Alone Now."






Listen instead to...Billy Idol's up-tempo remake of The Doors' classic "L.A. Woman."

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Book review: "The Outsider" by Stephen King


Anyone who knows me knows that I've been a huge fan of Stephen King since the early 1980s when I first started reading his books in junior high. Most long-time fans will hearken back to those early books when discussing the highlights of his career, but it's long past time for us to begin considering placing Stephen King on the Mt. Rushmore of American writers, along with familiar names like Steinbeck, Hemingway, Faulkner, et. al.


Why is that? No other writer, except perhaps James Michener, has had a writing career that was so long, popular, and prolific, as Stephen King. You might have been able to dismiss him as a popular hack back in the 1980s, but now that King is in his seventies, he is still producing novels that are astounding in terms of the quality of his language, the vividness of his characters, and the compulsive addictiveness of his stories. King's books are binge-worthy, and "just a few more pages" turns into an all-night read-a-thon with little effort.

This brings us to his latest effort, in which he continues to blend the mystery/crime genre with his patented supernatural territory in The Outsider. Set in a small town in Oklahoma, the local little league coach and popular high school English teacher Terry Maitland is arrested for the brutal rape and murder of a young boy. Multiple eyewitnesses seem to leave no doubt of his guilt. The problem is that he has an airtight alibi with an equal number of his own eyewitnesses. Unraveling the mystery of how the same person can be in two places at once takes us down a dark path into a legendary fear that becomes all too real for the characters involved.

Although King is vocally averse to the idea of plotting a novel, this book's plot is as intricate and as well thought-out as any Agatha Christie novel, and the mystery, once it is revealed, leads the group of characters to an inevitable and terrifying confrontation. What's amazing is how King is able to keep raising the bar on his own writing; he is, evidently, incapable of running out of ideas for new stories, and we are all the beneficiaries of his literary largesse.

One of the most wonderful things he has done as a writer is to have created his own fictional universe where characters from different stories cross over and take part. This is nothing new for him, as the villainous Randall Flagg shows up in multiple stories throughout the years. But his most recent set of stories has fully inhabited this world in ways that seem much more real, and when a character from books past appears to take part in the mystery, King fans will shout with glee upon the discovery. (No, I'm not spoiling any of it for you!)

Writers typically don't get better as they get older, but we need to embrace the idea that King is a once-in-a-century kind of genius, like Mozart or Einstein or Steve Jobs. Maybe you don't fancy a popular storyteller in the same atmosphere as other artistic or scientific geniuses, but consider the span of his career, the number of books and stories he's written, and the fact that after all of this, he's still creating novels that are just as good or better than the books he wrote at the height of his skills and popularity. Let's also not forget that in his own day, Shakespeare was considered a "popular" playwright. History often takes a good deal of time to render a fair and proper judgment.

Compare King to probably the other most popular living writer today, J.K. Rowling. She's written seven Harry Potter novels and four non-magical books in 21 years, but even I had to look up the titles and dates of her Muggle books. Since 1997, when the first Harry Potter book was published, Stephen King has published 39 different works, including 24 original novels. Among these include 11/22/63, Doctor Sleep, the Mr. Mercedes trilogy, and Sleeping Beauties, a collaboration with his son Owen, all of which should be considered in the same breath as The Stand, The Shining, or IT.

In case anyone is concerned about King slowing down at all, he has a second novel scheduled for publication this year, titled Elevation. I had the honor of hearing him speak last October at Lindenwood University, coupled with the good fortune to receive one of 400 autographed copies of Sleeping Beauties. If he continues to write a book or two each year for another ten years—and if they match the quality of The Outsider—then it will be a decade of joy for me and his other fans. Who knows...by the time I die, my autographed Stephen King novel might be a treasure!

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

The Greitens Lesson

I ordinarily don't write directly about politics here, but since the American political system has devolved into the bastard child of Reality TV and Professional Wrestling, I decided to stand up as a voice in the wilderness to try to make a practical point about politics and the dangers inherent in buying into the whole "government is evil" crapola that billionaire plutocrats have been trying to sell us for the past forty years.

Craptastic Missouri Governor Eric Greitens finally resigned today, saving the state the time and trouble of impeaching him and forcibly removing from office. He was accused of a whole host of scuzzy activities, both personal and political, that were so atrocious that his own Republican party, which holds a veto-proof majority in the state General Assembly, wanted him gone. His rapid ascension to state-wide prominence and not-rapid-enough departure illustrates the point I want to make here.

Government is not inherently evil. Government is a necessity of a civilized society. Eliminating government is not a conservative value. Yeah, I said it. I'm a socialist. I think Bernie Sanders is too moderate for my tastes. But conservative politics is grounded in a valid and rational point of view that goes back to the founding of the nation. There's a lot to be said about limited government and allowing economic markets to determine the course of a society. It's not all wrong, and socialism gets just as many things wrong and right from its point of view.

The point is that our government works best when the people involved in it have a vested interest in making it work correctly. When we have people representing multiple points of view with competing political philosophies, we have the ability to take the best from each faction and implement what works most effectively. Conservative capitalism works great when it comes to electronics, entertainment, automobiles, appliances, real estate, and a host of other consumer products. Socialism is most effective when it serves all people, rich or poor—things like police and fire protection, the military, roads, communication and energy infrastructure, as well as areas where it should exist, like education and health care.

But we don't have any of this today. What we have is angry people who are furious about a government that has been intentionally dismantled by a cadre of billionaires who control most media outlets and who have groomed an entire generation of stupid, vapid, hateful people who get elected to public office so that they can break the system all to pieces. Did anyone think that electing someone to serve in a public office that they don't think should exist was a good idea?

Look, I understand the frustration that so many people feel toward government, but we are looking in the wrong direction. The opposite of bad government is good government, not no government at all. The solution for bad political decisions is not to elect people who aren't politicians and who promise that, if elected, they're going to destroy the system from the inside. It may feel like a revolution at the ballot box, but speaking as a Missourian and one who works in the public sector, crashing our state government because it's not working to our optimum benefit is like taking a sledgehammer to your computer because it's downloading your movie too slowly...it may feel good for a minute, but you're still not going to get to watch that movie.

Greitens ran as a political outsider, and because of the rampant anti-government sentiment in our country today, he won election over a smart, competent, conservative Democrat with years of political and government experience. Electing outsiders is just stupid. I can't use any other word to describe it. It's like having a bad experience with a particular hospital, and instead of finding a better doctor or a better hospital, you hire a plumber to treat you the next time you're sick. It's like getting a bad meal at a restaurant and deciding to eat rat poison the next time you're hungry. It's stupid and counterproductive.

Most people used to get into politics out of a sense of duty and public service. I think many of them still do. Because of that, many of them are lawyers with experience at various levels of government
(governments deal with law...don't you want a lawyer who graduated from law school and passed the bar exam when you actually need one, as opposed to using your cousin Joey who watches a lot of "Law and Order" episodes?).

It usually starts small, with a city council term or a run for prosecuting attorney. From there, they advance to the state level, and a lucky few are good enough to make it at a national level. At least, they used to. Now, far too many who have never served in public office before are getting elected as "outsiders" who not only have no idea how the system works but also have no intention of making it work at all except for the aforementioned plutocrats who fund their election campaigns. It's literally like staffing a nuclear power plant with fast food workers.

I served for three years on my local city council almost 20 years ago. It was terrible. I couldn't get anything accomplished because of the complexities of government. I wanted to get better health care for city employees. We couldn't afford it, because governments can't spend more than they make in most cases. I tried to work for my constituents, but I often found myself without any allies because businesses are always better organized than citizens. Sometimes I had to vote in favor of the C-minus decision because the B-plus idea was impossible, or worse, to prevent the F-scenario from occurring.

There's an old cliche about never seeing how sausage or laws are made. That's bullshit. If you don't want to be eating rat turds in your sausage, tour the facilities. Likewise, if you don't want the government to make a bunch of lousy decisions that leave you worse off than before, stop electing incompetent neophytes who have no interest in making the system work.

There is always room for compromise between the right and the left. Most conservatives I know are horrified by school shootings and would like some actions taken to prevent them from happening. Most liberals I know are personally opposed to using abortion as a form of birth control and want to take actions to reduce the number of abortions that take place. On these, and on many other positions, there can be dialogue and progress that satisfies both side. There is no compromise, however, with an arsonist...all he wants to do is burn your house down.

Whether you consider yourself conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat, this is all I really want to say: whoever you vote for, please make sure that he or she is educated, experienced, and committed to using the political system to improve the lives of those they serve. If the majority continues to elect people like Greitens who have no interest whatsoever in serving the public interest...well, we've already seen what we get, don't we? Politicians are not the problem; voting for people who are not politicians is.