Star Wars: The Last Jedi—Are the criticisms valid?

It can no longer be denied that Star Wars: The Last Jedi can be recorded in the history of this franchise as the most divisive and controversial episode so far. The prequels were more or less denigrated (or outrated hated) by a majority of Star Wars fans, especially those like me who saw the Original Trilogy as children. The Force Awakens was generally well-received by most, though many complained that it was too much of a rehash of A New Hope.

What TLJ director Rian Johnson did was quite the opposite of TFA director J.J. Abrams chose to present: he went expressly against fanboy and Internet rumor/crackpot theory expectations and gave us a bold new vision that takes the entire franchise into uncharted territory...and many hate this change.

But what about the most common criticisms of the film? I'm going to address one article specifically, "Top 13 Reasons Why Some Star Wars Fans Hate The Last Jedi" from the fan site Epicstream. You can find many other examples of extreme fanboy butthurt, but each of these have some merit that I would like to address from the perspective of a fan who loved TLJ.

This is the point at which, if you still haven't seen the film and plan to, you need to go away, because extensive plot and character spoilers are coming at you faster than a stolen TIE fighter...

Okay, everybody strapped in? Here we go...

I want one in real life.

#13—Porgs have nothing to do with the story
This is true, but it overlooks two important factors. First, this is a Disney movie made in part for kids and designed to sell merchandise. With that in mind, Porgs are a forking gold mine. They're just about the cutest things we've seen on film since Puss in Boots from the Shrek franchise. Second, what they are is true to their nature in this universe—they are wild birds who get into the Millenium Falcon, and while Chewbacca has a soft spot for the little puffballs, they also get in his way at inopportune moments (kind of like cats when you're trying to read or write). In short, they're Chewie's pets (as if we needed another reason to love Chewbacca).

One of these, too.

#12—Wait, there's a hidden exit in the Resistance's base on Crait after all?
Uh, no, there's not a "hidden exit" that they didn't know about. There is a tiny gap in a fall of boulders that the crystal foxes are able to squeeze through but that Poe Dameron realizes is just a dead end for them. It's only through Rey's Force power (lifting rocks, a wonderful tie-in line to her earlier training with Luke) that they are able to escape. This helps reinforce Luke's line to Kylo Ren that Rey, and not Luke, is The Last Jedi.

This would have just been silly, guys.

#11—No BB-8 vs BB-9E showdown in the final battle
This is just fan service complaining. The evil BB droid did its part in helping get Finn and Rose captured. Let's hope he got his spherical ass blown to bits when Admiral Holdo nuked the First Order fleet. Besides, we got to see BB-8 piloting a Scout Walker and blowing shit up instead. For those still experiencing butthurt, please reference the Rolling Stones classic song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

Yeah, this battle would have been epic.

#10—Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren's weak backstory
This is just more complaining that events hinted at in The Force Awakens were not fully fleshed out in The Last Jedi. But again, this is nothing more than a case of unmet expectations. What we did get was a Rashoman-style version of stories, where Kylo said Luke tried to murder him in his sleep, while Luke tells Rey that he thought about it for just a second and then chose not to kill Ben Solo. In both versions, Ben brings the house down on Luke, takes his dark side followers (the Knights of Ren), kills everyone else, and burns down Luke's training temple. Do we get to see Snoke seducing Ben? No. Do we get to see their conflict during training? No. Do we need to see any of this? No! We know just as much about Kylo Ren's backstory as we did about Darth Vader's, and it's all we need to know...they were Jedi Knights who were seduced by the dark side of the Force and are now agents of oppression and destruction. Save the backstory for your fan-fiction blog.

I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!

#9—Leia's "Mary Poppins" moment
Leia, blown into space when the bridge of her ship is destroyed, uses her Force powers to fly back to the ship, thus saving her life. Did it look a bit like a Harry Potter movie? Yep. Does it defy the laws of physics? Yeah, but so does every other bit of Star Wars from beginning to end. It's not pure science fiction, people, it's more like sci-fantasy. Hyperspace, Death Stars, Lightsabers, space battles, and just about everything else in every movie defies the laws of physics. If you want scientific reality, go watch a Neil deGrasse Tyson lecture on YouTube (they're supremely interesting). This is a goddamn movie, people...relax! As far as what Leia does, her Force powers may be just as great as Luke's, and it is her blood that gives her son, Kylo Ren, his Force powers as well. It gives the moment great drama, especially considering Carrie Fisher's death in real life, where we wonder if Leia has actually died with the rest of the Resistance commanders.

Hitler and Stalin aren't scary enough?

#8—The First Order's remaining leaders are weak threats
Excuse me? General Hux is a murderous, ruthless psychopath, and Kylo Ren is the most powerful Dark Side user of the Force since Emperor Palpatine. Did you people not see the scene where Snoke brags and evil-laughs about how awesome he is and what a weak-minded puke Kylo Ren is, all the while mocking Rey for thinking she could turn "Ben Solo" against him? While all this pompous posturing is happening, Kylo, completely unbeknowst to Snoke, slices the motherforker in half with Anakin Skywalker's (aka Darth Vader) lightsaber! Kylo Ren becomes Supreme Leader and bends General Hux to his will. Weak threats? Are you kidding me? Darth Vader killed the Emperor to save his son. Kylo Ren killed Snoke to take over the galaxy.

Run away! Run away!

#7—Why didn't the First Order fleet destroy the Resistance ships right away?
Uhh, deflector shields? This leads to more complaints about the slowest chase sequence in sci-fi history, as the few remaining Resistance ships, which can move faster at sub-light speed than the larger Star Destroyers (this is actually true to physics, fanboys), move out of range of the First Order's big laser cannons. What this actually does is set up dramatic tension, pitting the desperate plan formulated by Poe, Finn, and Rose against the secret escape plans of Adm. Holdo, all the while waiting for the last of the Resistance ships to run out of fuel. Not all chases have to be super-fast to create drama; sometimes suspense is created out of silence, not speed and noise.

Tomorrow: Fan complaints #6-#1 are addressed, mocked, and dismissed.